[Vercingetorix]

The Sun (newspaper in England) recently ran a contest for the worst joke. These are the "winners" and runners-up.

The winner: "I could tell it had been raining cats and dogs – I nearly stepped in a poodle.”

Runners-up:

CHRIS, CAMBS
Police arrested two kids yesterday - one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other off.

SAMMIE, BUCKS
Doctor: Hi there, whow can I help you today? Patient: I think I’m a moth. Doctor: You don’t need to see a doctor, you need to see a psychiatrist! Patient: I know, but I was passing and your light was on.

SONIA, WESTON-SUPER-MARE
Q: Why don’t penguins fly?
A: Because they can’t afford plane tickets.

DIANNE, ANGUS
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman walk into a pub. The barman says: “Is this some kind of joke?”

SUZY, NORTHAMPTON
Q: What do you call a woman who sets fire to her gas bill?
A: Bernadette.

DAVID, NOTTINGHAM
Q: Did you hear about the cocaine addict who snorted curry powder by accident?
A: He went into a korma.

SANDY, SUFFOLK
Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: Carrot!

ALEX, MANCHESTER
Q: What do you do if you see a spaceman?
A: Park in it, man.

SUSAN, ESSEX
Q: How do archeologists tell the sex of the skeletons they dig up?
A: All the women have their mouths open.

REBECCA, NORWICH
Q: Why do bees have sticky hair?
A: Because they all use honeycombs.

Did you hear about the fight in the fish shop last night? Three fish got battered!
Sally, Surrey

What’s an archaeologist? Someone who’s career is in ruins.
Nada, Dundee

What do you call a boomerang that won't work? A Stick
Irene, Angus

How many ears has Dr. Spock got? Three. A left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear.
Rebecca, Cardiff

How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut.
Victoria, London

Knock Knock, Who's there? I kissed Doctor I kissed Doctor Who?
Jennifer, Somerset

Did you hear about the frog's new sandals? They were open-toad!
Helen, Berkshire

What did the ghost teacher say to the class? “Ok, everyone look at the board and I’ll go through it again.”
Sandy, West Sussex

Why don’t penguins fly? Because they can’t afford plane tickets.
Sonia, Weston-super-mare

What did the '0' say to the '8'? Nice belt.
Fay, Norfolk

Film producers wanted to make a movie about classical music composers starring Leonardo Dicaprio, Hugh Grant and Arnold Schwarzenegger. They ask Leonardo who he wants to be and he answers "I want to be Beethoven because I've always liked him". Next they ask Hugh and he says "I want to be Mozart because I've always liked him" lastly they ask Arnold and he says "I'll be Bach!"
Edward, Harpenden

A duck walks into a chemist and says "Have you got any suntan lotion?" The chemist gets him a tube and says "Are you going to pay cash?" The duck says "No, just put it on my bill."
Pauline, Hertfordshire

What did one biscuit say to the other when he got hit by a car crossing the road? Oh Crumbs!
Catherine, Oswestry

Two oranges walk into a bar - one turns to the other and says "your round"!!
Katie, Peterborough

Did you hear about the man who bought a paper shop? It blew away.
Andrew, Stafforshire

A piece of string walks into a bar, the barman says are you a piece of string? The piece of string says 'no I'm a frayed knot'.
Natalie, Eastbourne

The sevens dwarves were in the bath. They all felt happy, so Happy got out!
Trudie, Suffolk

What tea do footballers drink ? PenalTea
Pat, Essex

Whats Green and smelly? Kermit Frogs Bum
Joanna, Middlesbrough

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled Milk
Nicola, Angus

How did the octopus go to battle? Fully armed.
Sandra, Belfast

What does D.N.A stand for? National Dyslexics Association
Katrina, Angus

What do you feed an invisible cat? Evaporated milk
Lisa, Birmingham

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who had no control over her pupils?
Lorraine, Cambridgeshire

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Celine, Birmingham

How do you stop a fish from smelling? Cut its nose off.
Viviene, Tyne Wear

Why do all the numbers hate 7? Because 789
Linda, Essex

What do you call a short-sighted dinosaur? Do-you-think-he-saw-us?
Sarah, Manchester

Did you hear that the Energizer Bunny was arrested? I heard he’s being charged with battery.
Nia, Philadelphia

Where do you find a tortoise with no legs? Right where you left him.
Laura, Scunthorpe

How can you get your name in lights the world over? Change your name to Emergency Exit
Liz, Norfolk

What's the difference between a machine for making hot drinks and Callum Best? One’s a coffee percolator and the other is a perky copulator.
Peter, Norfolk

A man got fired from a pork factory for stealing. A pig squealed on him.
Brian, Lancashire

What fruit grows on telegraph poles - electric currants.
Tess, Chester

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a kangaroo? Big holes all over Australia!
Pat, East Sussex

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea
Leanne, Swindon

Why did the elephant bring toilet paper to the party? Because he was a party pooper.
Sheila, South Yorkshire

What do you get if Batman and Robin get squashed by a steam roller? Flatman and Ribbon.
David, Hull

Two sheep walk into a pub, the Landlord says "I've told you two before.............you're baaaaaaaaa'd!”
Susan, Birmingham

What did the Spanish farmer say to his chickens? Oh-lay
Wendy, Lincolnshire

What's the difference between a woman with PMT and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist......
William, Doncaster

A piece of string walks into a bar. The barman asks "Are you a piece of string?" the string replies "no, I'm a frayed knot!”
Brian, Lancs

What is red and goes up and down? A strawberry in a lift!
Susan, Gretna

What does a ghost drink? Evaporated Milk!
Ann, Leyland

What goes red, green, red, green? Kermit in a food blender!
Alison, Surrey

What do you get when you cross a sheep with a kangaroo? A wooly jumper!
Claire, Bonar Bridge

He said: "You remind me of a pepper-pot.” I said "I'll take that as a condiment.”
James, Swindon

What do you have when you’ve got one green ball in one hand and another green ball in the other? The incredible Hulk right where you want him.
Dave, Manchester

If two collars have a race how will it end? In a tie.
Kris, Newcastle

Doctor, Doctor everypart of my body hurts. Doctor - thats impossible, show me where Girl presses her arm, her leg, head and cries in pain Doctor - are you a natural blonde Girl - yes why? Doctor - you have broken your finger
Sandra, Rhondda Cynon Taff

What do you call a man in a pile of leaves? Russell.
Bethany, Kent

What's a crocodile's favourite game? Snap.
Oliver, London

Why couldn't the pet shop owner find any painkillers? Because the parrotscetamol!
Paul, Kent

What do you call a short sighted dinosaur? A do-you-think-he-saw-us!
Karen, Rotherham

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Fiona, West Yorkshire

What do you call a man with a biscuit on his head ? Lionel Rich Tea
David, Surrey

Why didn't the skeleton go to the party? Because he had no body to go with...!
Nasim, Brighton

Whats the difference between a Duck and a Horse? One goes quick and one goes quack!
Michelle, Manchester

Why did the mushroom laugh? Because he was a FUN GHI
Lesley, Wigan

What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh
Steven, Edinburgh

Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
Joanne, Cambridgeshire

Why cant you take exams in the jungle? because there are two many cheetahs
Ellen, Manchester

Knock Knock Who's there? Someone who can't reach the doorbell.
Nichola, County Down

Two ducks swimming down a river, first duck says quack quack, second duck says i was gonna say that.
Maxine, West Midlands

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a zebra? A four-legged meal with it's own bar code.
Jacki, Urmston

Why did Rufus not bark? Because he was a cat.
Jackie, Belfast

My car has wooden weels, a wooden engine and wooden seats. It wooden (wouldn't) start this morning.
Lynn, Cambs

What do you call a man with a seagul on his head? Cliff.
Lorraine, Cambs

What do you call a frenchman who wears Sandals? Phillipe Phillope.
Catherine, Cumbria

How do you stop a rhino from charging? Take away it’s credit card.
Sue, Jersey

Why was the football pitch tri-angular? Because somebody took a corner.
Mary, Worthing

What do you call a sheep with no legs.. a cloud.
Sam, Linwood

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
Julie, Perth

What is red, orange and green? Traffic lights.
Diane, Durham

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
Nicola, Nottingham

What's ET short for? He's only got little legs.
Morgan, Middlesex

Where does a horse go when it's poorly? A horsepital.
Alex, York

What do you call a donkey with 3 legs? A Wonkey
Robert, Stockport

Why did the chicken cross the road twice? Because he got his braces stuck in the gate.
Laura, Wrexham

What did the Spanish farmer say to his chickens? Oh-lay!
Jo, Peterborough

How do you catch a polar bear? Dig a hole in the ice and kick him in the icehole.
Trevor, Devon

What kind of lettuce did they serve on The Titanic? Iceberg
Scott, Berkshire

What kind of bees make milk? Boobies
Tracy, Gwent

A man is waiting for a bus. The bus arrives and it's got the wrong destination on the front. The man says to the driver, " you have the wrong destination on the front." The driver replied, " I have India written on the tyres but i am not bloody well going there."
Philip, Bolton

Whats brown and sounds like a bell? Dung
Karen, Hinkley

Have you heard about the constipated mathematician. He worked it out with a pencil.
Lara, Harrowgate

What do you call a man with a wooden head? Edward What do you call a man with two wooden heads? Edward Woodward.
Susan, Belfast

What did the big chimney say to the litle chimney? You're too young to smoke.
Joanne, Portsmouth

What do you call a man with a spade on his head?Doug
Philip, Lancashire

A man was driving down the road when he saw 2 packet of crisps walking along. He stopped and asked if they wanted a lift and they turned round to him and said, "Its ok mate, we're Walkers"
Emma, Hereford

Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they've got big fingers.
Angie, Wolverhampton

There were two fat blokes sitting at the bar, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
Stephen, Chelmsford

An Irishman goes into pub and sees the girl of his dreams. He spends all night chatting her up, spending a fortune on her, thinking he was onto a sure thing. As the bar closed he suggests that he takes her home for some nookie. "I'm sorry but Ive got my menstrual cycle," she replied. "Thats okay, I will follow you in my car, " he grinned.
Maggie, Nottingham