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View Full Version : Conservative versus Liberal: A history lesson



gNats
11-18-2008, 12:08
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and
would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter. The two
most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the
invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These
were the foundations of modern civilization and together were the catalyst
for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can had been invented
yet, so while our early ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be
invented, they just stayed close! to the brewery. That's how villages were
formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is now known
as the Conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at
hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly
B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the
beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became
known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the
domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the
concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white
wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well
done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another
interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher
testosterone levels than their men.

Most social workers, personal injury lawyers, journalists, dreamers in
Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the
designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still
provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who
works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives
who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing They like to govern the producers and
decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more
enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in
Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the
Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get something for
nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily
respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute
truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other
true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.
And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.

:smilie40:

MSilvia
11-18-2008, 13:27
What if my next action is to think, "That was mildly amusing bunch of nonsense." and then not forward it to anyone? I guess that would make me a moderate.

monant
11-18-2008, 13:59
I can't wait for tomorrows lesson.

Empacher
11-18-2008, 14:49
Had me crackin up! I pronted it out and passed it around at work....Hilarious....Thanks!

3rdEye
11-18-2008, 14:56
What if my next action is to think, "That was mildly amusing bunch of nonsense." and then not forward it to anyone? I guess that would make me a moderate.

no, i think it just means you have a brain.

BuzzF117
11-18-2008, 15:18
What if my next action is to think, "That was mildly amusing bunch of nonsense." and then not forward it to anyone? I guess that would make me a moderate.

nope independant

teerlkay
11-21-2008, 16:04
I thought this was going to be about bottom time algorithms

MSilvia
11-21-2008, 16:24
nope independant
Despite the references to elephants and donkeys, it seems to be talking about political philosophy rather than party affiliation.

I guess my sense of humor isn't well enough developed for this... I think things are funnier when they have some basis in fact. The humorist who wrote this apparently doesn't cling to that bias.

cummings66
11-21-2008, 18:10
I'd put it near the middle as far as humor goes. Some good, some bad. It wasn't gut wrenching as far as I'm concerned but it is mildly funny due to the stereotypes.

mchain
11-21-2008, 19:56
What if my next action is to think, "That was mildly amusing bunch of nonsense." and then not forward it to anyone? I guess that would make me a moderate.

Heh, I don't know what it makes me but I thought the exact same thought, lol.

Splitlip
11-21-2008, 20:58
I liked it.
Found it thought provoking.

No need to get our undies in a bundy. :)

Skred
11-21-2008, 21:26
I found it humorous and totally unlike anything resembling reality...sort of like a good sitcom episode.