View Full Version : Chuck Norris Facts!

11-21-2008, 12:39
Alright it's time to post the best Chuck joke you got. :smilie40:

There is no control button on Chuck Norris computer. He is always in control.

11-21-2008, 12:41
When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

11-21-2008, 14:05
When the boogeyman goes to bed at night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

11-21-2008, 14:06
Alright it's time to post the best Chuck joke you got. :smilie40:

I know where you got this idea! LOL. Great topic.

11-21-2008, 15:49
Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

11-21-2008, 16:04
These are not jokes, they are facts

11-21-2008, 16:57
Chuck Norris was once denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35. He Roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendys.

This one from my son....He knows about 200 of these.

11-21-2008, 19:51
These are not jokes, they are facts

You're damn right they are. And there's already a thread on this. The original: http://forum.scubatoys.com/man-laws-forum/2945-chuck-norris.html#post43434

11-21-2008, 19:58
That thread was dead, didn't even know it was there. Post where you want no a biggie to me.

11-21-2008, 20:48
Chuck Norris went into a Burger King and ordered a Big Mac. He got it.

11-21-2008, 21:00
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win...forever!

11-21-2008, 21:24
When Chuck dives he doesn't get wet...the water gets Chuck Norris

11-21-2008, 21:30
Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.

11-21-2008, 21:44
Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "****ing."

11-21-2008, 22:02
When Chuck dives he doesn't get wet...the water gets Chuck Norris

Haha! good one, scubajane! :smiley32:

Diver Kat
11-21-2008, 22:33

11-21-2008, 23:00
I think I would rather use smooth toilet paper that takes alot of **** from me! :smilie39:

11-22-2008, 10:25
Chuck wet his bed - and the bed cried

11-22-2008, 10:32
Chuck Norris once ate a box of nails and sh!t a dodge road runner

11-22-2008, 19:47
Chuck Norris doesn't do push-up's...he does earth-down's.


11-23-2008, 00:47
Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.

11-23-2008, 07:34
Chuck Norris destroyed the period table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

11-23-2008, 09:48
Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

11-23-2008, 11:15
I ran across a "anti" Chuck Norris facts website. It was as amusing as the pro Chuck Norris websites. The one I found the funniest was:

Chuck Norris' semen cures cancer...too bad he has aids.

11-24-2008, 15:48
Chuck Norris fought the law...and Chuck won

11-24-2008, 23:03
Chuck Noris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Diver Kat
11-24-2008, 23:10
Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows, and the butter comes straight out ...

11-25-2008, 01:23
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

11-25-2008, 07:38
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

11-25-2008, 07:52
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice

11-25-2008, 07:52
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there

11-25-2008, 08:29
Some kids piss their name in the snow, Chuck Norris pisses his name on concrete.

11-25-2008, 08:36
Sorry, I had to add this, it cracked me up!

Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

11-25-2008, 09:34
go put Google Chuck Norris into Google Search and click "I'm Feeling Lucky"


11-25-2008, 09:35

11-25-2008, 09:37

11-25-2008, 09:49
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I believe... I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride." Arnie says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements." God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat."

Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris.

Switzerland isn't really neutral. They just haven't figured out what side Chuck Norris is on yet.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that reads, "WWCND?"

If you come home to find Chuck Norris doing your wife, it's probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty. There ain't no future in any other course of action.

Chuck Norris can open beer cans with his teeth. He still prefers to use other people's teeth, though.

11-25-2008, 09:58
If you come home to find Chuck Norris doing your wife, it's probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty. There ain't no future in any other course of action.

That's funny

11-25-2008, 16:58
The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

11-25-2008, 17:20
Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

11-25-2008, 17:24
One time while sparring with a bear, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
I crack me up. Jupiter the planet. Not Jupiter Florida. Get it?

11-25-2008, 17:52
Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a ***** would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."

11-26-2008, 09:12
Who is Chuck Norris scuba diving partner? Moses... they don't dive, they both just "part the water".

11-26-2008, 09:28
"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

11-26-2008, 09:46
Hey! Ninjas are cool! :D

11-26-2008, 10:00
Chuck Norris once talked in his sleep. The words he said were recorded in a classified government document and sent straight to the president. The No Child Left Behind Act stems from this document.

11-26-2008, 10:45
Chuck Norris is so tough, that Jack Bauer has a Chuch Norris Action Figure...

11-26-2008, 11:09
Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

11-26-2008, 14:05
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

11-27-2008, 06:24
Most people fear the IRS, the IRS fear Chuck Norris..
Chuck Norris one audited the IRS and promptly issued them a roundhouse kick

11-28-2008, 10:33
This (http://www.flickr.com/photos/marvins_dad/2842290741/sizes/o/) made me think of you guys.

11-28-2008, 16:54
If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

11-28-2008, 17:13
Fed Ex has overnight delivery guaranteed on time.

Chuck Norris has roundhouse to the face delivery guaranteed every time.

12-01-2008, 09:16
This (http://www.flickr.com/photos/marvins_dad/2842290741/sizes/o/) made me think of you guys.


12-02-2008, 07:40
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

01-17-2009, 14:25
There is no uranium inside a nuclear bomb, just a 5x7 picture of Chuck Norris's fist.

02-02-2009, 20:09
Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick you so hard that you'll feel it yesterday.

Chuck Norris doesn't shave with a razor, he shaves with a chainsaw.

02-03-2009, 16:35
Chuck Norris doesn't shave with a razor, he shaves with a chainsaw.

uhmm... he's got a beard.... he doesn't shave.

Wouldn't work anyway, the razor blades are afraid of his beard!

02-03-2009, 19:00
chuck norris one punched a man in his soul

02-03-2009, 19:01
chuck norris can sneeze with his eyes open

02-03-2009, 19:02
chuck norris can kill two stones with one bird

02-03-2009, 19:06
ok last one,,,,Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

02-03-2009, 22:51
Chuck Norris can strangle you,,,, with a cordless telephone.

02-04-2009, 08:13
How the world will end:

//yeah, yeah...I'm going to h377 for this one. But, it's not mine
//Warning: link is HOT...do not touch

02-05-2009, 08:12
When Dr. Bruce Banner gets mad, he becomes the Incredible Hulk. When the Incredible Hulk gets mad, he becomes CHUCK NORRIS!

02-07-2009, 17:22
As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

05-11-2009, 17:26
3 chinese men ate 300 hotdogs in 3 minutes... not to be beat Chuck Norris ate 300 chinese men in 3 seconds

05-11-2009, 18:10
Jesus walked on water, Chuck Norris swam through sand

05-11-2009, 20:44
Chuck Norris doesn't need Scuba Gear. He scare's the Oxygen into separating from the H2

05-11-2009, 20:52
hmm, why isn't it H2O2? It has to be 2 oxygen atoms to be gaseous

05-12-2009, 07:24
H2O2= hydrogenperoxide
D2O is heavy water freeze some put in a glass of water and watch it sink. Or for added effect go on about how if ice was heaver than water life on earth would be vastly different. then take glass of water drop ice made from heavy water in to it and watch other people jaw drop..

05-12-2009, 15:33
Hi am familiar with heavy water and all that. Lol, I just realised, water isn't gaseous, talk about a brain fart.