PDA

View Full Version : End of the road.



kong
12-26-2008, 23:48
I was wondering how you would prefer to hear your spouse tell you that they think the two of you should file papers for divorce? Things have not been going well for a while. Would it be best if he just brings it out of the blue? Or would it be easier if he had fooled around on you with a friend and then told you about it? Just trying to figure out my next move. Please no counseling or other suggestions. It has been heading down this road for a while and I just need out of it.

People just grow apart over the years and I don't think that any degree of counseling can reconcile our differences.

chicken
12-27-2008, 06:49
Sit down and discuss it like adults. It is easier when everything is on the table and there are no dirty games being played. It is a very emotional time and somebody is going to get their feelings hurt. If it is that bad, both of you know it. Good luck.

snagel
12-27-2008, 07:22
Chiken is right. Don't play games. Sit down and put everything on the table. Be prepared for an emotional roller-coaster. You are right some sometimes people move apart. If this is true, you both know it. Don't be mean, accusatory, derating, and stay away from the blame-game.

Good luck.

Snagel

Suther2136
12-27-2008, 09:02
People grow apart over the years? You're 24...did you get married when you were ten? Marriage is the hardest thing you will ever do, that's worth all the work and pain. If you think divorce is an option, then you will take it at the first sign of trouble. But if you are unwilling to work on your marriage then by all means face it like a man. Having a fling just punishes more people for your inability to face the issue...the coward's way out.

Based on your other post about feeling "neglected this Christmas" you sound a bit immature and selfish. You just got back from a cruise, while other people are out-of-work for Christmas. You need to get a grip on what's important in this world and trust me it isn't the material things. If this was an issue with your job you would likely work some to get it fixed with your boss, is your wife less important?

Don't have a chat about getting a divorce, that will become a self fulfilling prophecy, sit down and have a chat about the issues that exist. You might be surprised at the outcome. I truly hope it all works out for the best.

Married 25 years and loving it!

Kokomo
12-27-2008, 10:03
Agree with Suther2136. But definitely do not fool around. You need to be honest and put everything on the table. Apparently there was something there to begin with to get the 2 of you this far. Both of you deserve some respect from the other.

dallasdivergirl
12-27-2008, 10:18
just be honest. you would want the same.

WV Diver
12-27-2008, 10:44
Doesn't seem as though the announcement, regardless of how it is approached, is going to be any big surprise. Just try to be civil and understanding, it is a big life changing experience for both of you. If it is possible to be friendly it will be easier for you both.

imasinker
12-27-2008, 11:12
Sit down be honest about your feelings and discuss it between the two of you. No need to hurt eachother, theres nothing to prove and gain from that. Be respectful to that persons feelings and hopefully they will be to yours, if not you did the right thing and that shows who you are.
Take care!

sea princess
12-27-2008, 13:42
Sounds like everyone is giving good direction. I totally agree with suther on if you make divorce and option it will be an option. I have been thru hell and back in my marriage and had to do a lot of forgiving and letting go of being self centered etc. It is a lot of work. Just like everyone is saying you need to sit down together where you won't be interupted and calmly talk thru your issues and challenges. If your at the point of divorce you both know it and no one is saying anything. It is like the big giant pile of elephant poop in the middle of the room that stinks and everyone is ignoring it! No finger pointing, no blaming and be honest with your thoughts and feelings. You may be suprised you two may want to work thru your hurts and work on your marriage afterall. If not then the decision is made and you can start working on separating and ending the relationship for good. Affairs only make the situation worse and bring in more anger and hurt. That kind of damage is very difficult to heal from. At least wait to be with others until after your divorce (if it is for sure happens) I pray you both can come to a civil solution.

kong
12-27-2008, 14:01
Thanks for all the advice. I'll give it a try and see how discussing our problems goes without bringing up anything about divorce.

@Suther- The neglected part was meant as a joke. I'm really not all that materialistic. I spent the week before Christmas volunteering at my mom's church to help deliver food, toys, and presents to underprivileged families.

The main reason we went on the cruise was to try to get away from home and have time to work through some of our issues, but we ended up not discussing any of them.

fisheater
12-27-2008, 14:29
I'm not going to address the divorce/work on the marriage issue. I'm not qualified and we don't enough info.

However, I have some experience as a divorce attorney (got out of the stuff a while ago - whew!) I can offer the following advice:

If you thought that you needed a good relationship to get married, it's NOTHING like the relationship you'll need to get divorced.

Agree on everything that you can agree upon, even if what you're agreeing to is "suboptimal." As to the stuff you can't agree on, agree to it anyway.

Unless you're a Forbes, you won't be able to afford to fight. If you do (or if your not-soon-enough-to-be-ex spouse does), you'll end up broke and bitter and the lawyers will have all of your money.

If you have kids, the above applies triple.

Good luck!!

chicken
12-27-2008, 15:55
Amen brother. I went through an expensive, drawn out divorce 16 years ago. The only winners were the attorneys. I think her attorney sent his kid to Harvard on our retainer.

One of my co-workers who was recently divorced asked me "do you know why getting divorced is so expensive?" the answer...because it's worth it!

I don't know about that but the lesson I learned was not to get married so young. I now have a great wife and we just celebrated our 12th anniversary. I made a much better decision with a few years of life experience under my belt.

Shenanigan
12-27-2008, 16:21
If you do end up deciding that divorce is the answer for you, be sure to separate your financial records as much as possible. My father's second ex has recked havic on his finanical score (forclosure procedings on a property with his name attached to it) and taxes (she didn't claim her alimony payments on her 1040 and thus the IRS disallowed the deduction on his).

Suther2136
12-27-2008, 16:56
Thanks for all the advice. I'll give it a try and see how discussing our problems goes without bringing up anything about divorce.

@Suther- The neglected part was meant as a joke. I'm really not all that materialistic. I spent the week before Christmas volunteering at my mom's church to help deliver food, toys, and presents to underprivileged families.

The main reason we went on the cruise was to try to get away from home and have time to work through some of our issues, but we ended up not discussing any of them.

Kong, Glad to hear it. You need to plan to have the discussion and have it. Like others have said, pick a time and place alone and have the conversation. The work part comes next. Owning up and taking the wrap, forgiving and being forgiven. Someone has to be big enough to start and swallow hard and try to get the healing going. I'm not qualified to really give any advice but you might try courting her all over again. I've done that with my wife. Bring her flowers for no reason, work (make a conscious effort) to find reasons to compliment her. Do things around the house without being asked. Like I said someone has to start. I would suggest sitting down with a church counselor, God can work wonders in your life if you let him in. Best of luck, it really is worth the effort. But be clear even after 25 years, there is no home free or easy street, it takes effort and desire from both parties.

Skred
12-27-2008, 17:40
The main reason we went on the cruise was to try to get away from home and have time to work through some of our issues, but we ended up not discussing any of them.

But I'm guessing you had lots of fun and there were at least a few moments when you were struck and remembered why you married her in the first place. Those moments are what you need to think about. Is that relationship and those feelings worth working to save?

kong
12-27-2008, 23:32
But I'm guessing you had lots of fun and there were at least a few moments when you were struck and remembered why you married her in the first place. Those moments are what you need to think about. Is that relationship and those feelings worth working to save?

We had fun but I don't remember feeling like that, which isn't good. I'll just take some time to decide on what we need to talk about and how to do it.

Thanks for all the advice everyone. Hopefully it will all work out for the best.

oddbod
12-28-2008, 00:57
"Warning - Warning Will Robinson" do not let her see this thread!!

Agree with most of the other posters, you need to talk, marriage is HARD work, mistakes can be made but if it was worth getting married then it is worth trying to fix it.

Good Luck

hychang
12-28-2008, 13:23
No advice here. I would like to extend all the best to you and your spouse in hopes that the both of you work things out. As others have said earlier, marriage is hard work. I can vouch for that after 17 years and counting. My best friend asked me how I knew my wife was "The One" as we were coming home from my bachelor party. My answer was and is simple:

My wife is the one who I want to wake up with to face the world and she's the one I want to go home to at the end of each day.

Good luck.

caroln
12-28-2008, 16:45
Not every marriage is meant to be saved. If yours isn't, then be honest about it, and try to remember to treat her as you'd want to be treated. There's no point both of you being miserable for the rest of your lives working on something that isn't truly what's best for either of you. That being said, you don't have to trash whatever good memories you might have of your time together by making this an ugly nasty thing. Respect and honesty throughout the process is the most important thing.

Mtrewyn
12-28-2008, 17:15
Sit down and discuss it like adults. It is easier when everything is on the table and there are no dirty games being played. It is a very emotional time and somebody is going to get their feelings hurt. If it is that bad, both of you know it. Good luck.


this is how I would want it.

emt
02-06-2009, 22:42
Sounds like great advice Fisheater: "I have some experience as a divorce attorney (got out of the stuff a while ago - whew!) I can offer the following advice:

If you thought that you needed a good relationship to get married, it's NOTHING like the relationship you'll need to get divorced.

Agree on everything that you can agree upon, even if what you're agreeing to is "suboptimal." As to the stuff you can't agree on, agree to it anyway."
Thanks, I will pass this on to anyone who might need. it.

Straegen
02-07-2009, 00:27
I don't think there is a good answer here. You are going to be honest as well as loud and clear when the subject comes up so I don't think honesty is an issue. If I knew a couple was headed for divorce and I was advising a fried, I would tell that friend to get a list of the assets covertly, line up a good attorney and then file. Then I would suggest they offer arbitration over court. If you both feel the same way, it will go real smooth and you might even be "friends" afterward. If it doesn't, you are protected and in a strange way protecting your SO as well. Even good people do bad things in these situations so plan for the worst hope for the best.

When it comes to this process, emotions are best reserved and using a cool head is the best policy IMO.

fire diver
02-07-2009, 01:16
Not much else I can say that hasn't been said already.

I was in your shoes once. Married at 21, divorced by 24. Everyone told me I was too young, and that I should wait a while before getting married. But of course, I was too young to understand and too bullheaded to head the advice. Yes, sometimes people DO grow apart. It can be saved if both parties want to work at it. When it's all one sided, it's best to break it and start fresh.

Even a smooth divorce is tough. You will likely have a rough road ahead no matter which way this turns. When things are feeling especially hard, don't keep it to your self. Don't turn to alchohol to drown the hurt. Talk with friends, get out of the house and go for a walk. Talk about your feelings here. You have a lot of support from your fellow divers.

Good luck.