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Cichlid
08-21-2007, 21:55
Found some...add more...


Man Laws


1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.


2: It is ok for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

c. After wrecking your boss' car.

d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

e. When she is using her teeth.



3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed
and eaten by his buddies.



4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out
of jail within 12 hours.



5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.



6: Moaning about the brand of beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.



7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly
optional.



8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.



9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.



10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought
her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.



11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcoholic drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and
only when it's free.



12: Only in situations of morale and/or physical peril are you allowed
to kick another guy in the nuts.



13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.



14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos, Ever! Issue closed.



15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.




16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much as the other sports watchers.



17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.



18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.



19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.



20: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:

a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!

b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

c. Another set and we can hit the showers!



21: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
need.



22: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.



23: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.



24: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours.



25: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an
Xbox. End of story.

3rdEye
08-21-2007, 22:00
crap....i fight naked all the time, and i've never been to prison

dmdoss
08-21-2007, 22:02
Crying is allowed after or during watching a Girls Gone Wild video.

DivingsInMyBlood
08-21-2007, 22:07
my boss wanted to fight me naked ontop of the block tower at work the other day, but his crazy (ex-airforce) and proberbly used to do that kind of stuff all the time.

You should add that Chuck Norris is the alpha male and should be worshipped by all men as a living god.

dallasdivergirl
08-21-2007, 22:08
17 & 25 made me cry I was laughing so hard.

Vercingetorix
08-21-2007, 22:22
my boss wanted to fight me naked ontop of the block tower at work the other day, but his crazy (ex-airforce) and proberbly used to do that kind of stuff all the time.I'm ex-Air Force (please note capitalization here). Your boss musta been a fighter stick-jockey. The rest of us officers preferred to fight naked atop the bar in the O'Club.

cgvmer
08-21-2007, 22:23
Problem with #13, my ancestors were vicious and fought naked "Celts went into battle naked except for their torcs and body paint."

http://museums.ncl.ac.uk/reticulum/NORTHERNFRONTIER/TheWretchedBritons/CelticWarfare.htm

thor
08-21-2007, 23:36
#26 If two men are out to lunch, they must never share a dessert, unless that dessert is a keg of beer

chewyjr15
08-21-2007, 23:42
number 27: never under any circumstances apologize to a woman for flatulants or belches becuase secretly she does them to.

creggur
08-22-2007, 06:41
Gotta take issue with

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.

Unless your friend doesn't really like his sister, and has expressed consent in such matters.



2: It is ok for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

c. After wrecking your boss' car.

d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

e. When she is using her teeth.

f. At the end of the movie Rudy, only if there are no other men around. If you are watching it with a woman, crying is only allowed if it is done intentionally to show your sensitive side in the hopes of gaining carnal knowledge of said woman..

deepdiver47
08-22-2007, 07:07
Found some...add more...


Man Laws


1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos, Ever! Issue closed.

21: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
need.




1) Why are you carrying an unbrella to begin with? Must be a yankee thing

8) If you break the seal you are doomed, you will pee forever. Eveyone knows that!

14) tell that to the french, those dudes don't get it

15) You don't talk while in a stall, we have already discussed this.

Phestr
08-22-2007, 07:27
2: It is ok for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

c. After wrecking your boss' car.

d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

e. When she is using her teeth.

f. At the end of the movie Rudy, only if there are no other men around. If you are watching it with a woman, crying is only allowed if it is done intentionally to show your sensitive side in the hopes of gaining carnal knowledge of said woman..

g. Anytime "the boys" are struck or grazed hard enough to make you fall down.

DivingsInMyBlood
08-22-2007, 07:44
my boss wanted to fight me naked ontop of the block tower at work the other day, but his crazy (ex-airforce) and proberbly used to do that kind of stuff all the time.I'm ex-Air Force (please note capitalization here). Your boss musta been a fighter stick-jockey. The rest of us officers preferred to fight naked atop the bar in the O'Club.

I left the capitalization out because the air force gets way too much attention anyway :smiley2: for me its the Navy all the way. :smiley20:

I think my boss just used to be a bombhead or just the guy that gave the airplane a lick of paint.

Phestr
08-22-2007, 07:55
Found some more....

Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolate.

When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother,
father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker,
you need not and should not provide any useful information
whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny
his very existence.

You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent
without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is
allowed to call BULL****. (Exception: When trying to pick up
a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent).

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy
who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required
to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on
the classic 1-10 babe scale.

Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that
your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should
you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex
with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at
your bachelor party.

Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his
permission and he in return is required to grant it.

The universal compensation for buddies who help you move
is beer.

A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her
whiny friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead
only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time
to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to
fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the
last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this
guy needs is a good whoopin", then you may sit back and
enjoy.

Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except
when she's withholding sex pending your response.

If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car,
you may not join him...too gay.

Phestr
08-22-2007, 08:00
my boss wanted to fight me naked ontop of the block tower at work the other day, but his crazy (ex-airforce) and proberbly used to do that kind of stuff all the time.I'm ex-Air Force (please note capitalization here). Your boss musta been a fighter stick-jockey. The rest of us officers preferred to fight naked atop the bar in the O'Club.

I left the capitalization out because the air force gets way too much attention anyway :smiley2: for me its the Navy all the way. :smiley20:

I think my boss just used to be a bombhead or just the guy that gave the airplane a lick of paint.

I know, I broke the unwritten 2 posts in a row rule, but this popped while I was writing the other one, and I had to quote an email I received, being active Air Force (enlisted)...


Air Force Enlisted Intelligence
Of all the Services, the Air Force has the most intelligent enlisted people. This is not just theory; it's provable fact.

Take the Army. When the **** hits the fan, the young Army private wakes up to the bellowing of his First Sergeant. He grabs his BDUs out of his foot locker, dresses, runs to the chow-hall for breakfast on the fly, then jumps in his tank. Pretty soon, the company commander, a captain, arrives, gives him a big salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, soldier!"

Now take the Navy. When the **** hits the fan, the young Sailor is eating breakfast in the mess. He hustles the 20 feet to his battle station, stuffing extra pastries in his pocket as he goes. There he sits, in the middle of a big, steel target, with nowhere to run, when the Captain comes on the 1MC and says, "Give 'em Hell, Sailors! I salute you!"

Now take the Marines. When the **** hits the fan, the young Marine is kicked out of bed by his First Sergeant and puts on the muddy set of BDUs he was wearing on the field exercise he was part of three hours earlier. He gets no breakfast, but is told to feel free to chew on his boots. He runs out and forms up with his rifle. Pretty soon, his company commander, a captain, comes out, gives the Marine a sharp salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Marine!"

And then there's the Air Force. When the **** hits the fan, the Airman receives a phone call at his off-base quarters. He gets up, showers, shaves, and puts on the fresh uniform he picked up from the BX cleaners the day before. On his drive to work, he cruises through the local fastfood drive-thru for an Egg McMuffin and a Coke. Once at work, he signs in on the duty roster. He proceeds to his F-15, spends 30 minutes pre-flighting it, and signs off the forms. Pretty soon the pilot, a young captain, arrives, straps into the jet, and starts the engines. Our young Airman stands at attention, gives the aviator a sharp salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Captain!"

yankeefan21
08-22-2007, 11:30
f. At the end of the movie "Brian's Song", only if there are no other men around. If you are watching it with a woman, crying is only allowed if it is done intentionally to show your sensitive side in the hopes of gaining carnal knowledge of said woman..
Fixed. :smiley20:

"Brian's sick... real sick..." Tell 'em Billy Dee! :smiley19:

ertechsg
08-22-2007, 12:34
1 When toasting with beer you should clink with the bottom, because clinking with top would be swaping saliva and qualify as a kiss
2 You poke it , you own it. you may never put your finger in another mans opened bottle to carry it

3 no man shall garnish his beer with fruit.

kevinj1
08-22-2007, 13:02
16 is absolutely hilarious... I dont even think I can add to this list--it is great.

quarrydiver
08-22-2007, 20:32
28. thou shalt not allow another dude to ride bitch on your bike.

Jaymeany
08-22-2007, 20:41
29. If you "jumped on the grenade" at the bar you are entitled to a full account of the after hours activities. Including but not limited to : positions, grooming, sounds/noises, funny stores and pictures (if there are any and NONE i Mean NONE with ANY part of your friend in them).

Phestr
08-23-2007, 20:44
29. If you "jumped on the grenade" at the bar you are entitled to a full account of the after hours activities. Including but not limited to : positions, grooming, sounds/noises, funny stores and pictures (if there are any and NONE i Mean NONE with ANY part of your friend in them).

Whew, had me scared for a second there.

NucMed Man
08-24-2007, 18:20
The law regarding two men not sharing an umbrella is totally whacked!:smiley21: Real men don't Dont' use umbrellas:smiley36:

dmdoss
08-25-2007, 01:16
2: It is ok for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

c. After wrecking your boss' car.

d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

e. When she is using her teeth.

f. At the end of the movie Rudy, only if there are no other men around. If you are watching it with a woman, crying is only allowed if it is done intentionally to show your sensitive side in the hopes of gaining carnal knowledge of said woman..

g. Anytime "the boys" are struck or grazed hard enough to make you fall down.

Ouch! I hate it when that happens.

creggur
08-25-2007, 14:34
Yeah, getting grazed is the worst!!!!

Jaymeany
08-25-2007, 14:38
30. Real men will under no circumstances start the zipper on a farmer john for another man. Do it yourself or we're not diving together! No I will not touch you there but I will check the fit of a womans wetsuit if need be :smiley16:

Vercingetorix
08-25-2007, 14:51
Phestr's anecdote reminds me of a time I overheard three generals discussing which service had the bravest enlisted troops.

The Army general orders a private to go to the roof of a two-story building and jump. The private runs off the roof and screams "Airborne!!!!"

The Marine general watches and yawns. "That's bravery? Ain't nothing". He orders a private to the top of a three-story and tells him to jump. The Marine sprints to roof, jumps and screams "Semper Fi !!!!"

The Air Force general watched the preceedings, amused, bemused, and bored. "That's not bravery, gentlemen. Watch this." I orders an airman to the top of a five-story building. The airman peers over the edge of the roof. The general yells "Jump!!" The airman responds "F*ck you, sir!"

The Air Force general turns to the others and says "That's courage."

Doug B
08-26-2007, 22:07
Cool Rule Number 12: Don't touch Compact Discs or your Manhood with "Cheeto Fingers"!

Oh, there are no rules 1 thru 11....

loudgonzo
08-27-2007, 14:24
I keep a nail clipper in my desk at work, another guy here asked if he could use it. I did and he gave it back to me a few minutes ago, it's in the trash can now, I just can't use it anymore.
I have to request that this be considered into law "no sharing nail clippers for any reason"

TopSully
08-31-2007, 14:32
to number 5 and 24 are the same - "unless you're drunk"

quarrydiver
09-01-2007, 17:42
Thought this one was obvious...NEVER stick your hand into the neighboring stall. DUH.

dmdoss
09-02-2007, 23:24
Thought this one was obvious...NEVER stick your hand into the neighboring stall. DUH.


Or foot. Leave it to a senator.

mm_dm
09-02-2007, 23:30
Thought this one was obvious...NEVER stick your hand into the neighboring stall. DUH.


Or foot. Leave it to a senator.


Okay, time out for Doss. Bad boy, picking on a politician for God's sake...you know there's better game to be had...

DivingsInMyBlood
09-02-2007, 23:33
Thought this one was obvious...NEVER stick your hand into the neighboring stall. DUH.


Or foot. Leave it to a senator.

i heard about that on the news last night and all i could do was shake my head.

mm_dm
09-03-2007, 00:18
Yeah, I lost the bet that he would get caught, too.

57ChevyGreg
09-15-2007, 22:01
We always hear " the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... These are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
Or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something
or tell us how you want it done.Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape . Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Capt Hook
09-16-2007, 11:43
Exception to 2. d. No man should be watching "The Crying Game"!

Splitlip
10-11-2007, 19:49
never ask for a sip of another man's drink

danielh03
10-13-2007, 04:36
Men are not fashion experts. Just look at the way we dress ourselves for God's sake!