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Suther2136
08-29-2007, 16:59
I know don't post here, buy rather than discuss it with the guys; years of poor listening funneled into poor responses (repeated over and over), I thought I'd just go to the source for the answer. So here it is, Your guy has just pissed you off, what is the proper response to get back in your good graces? I know this sounds contrived and insincere, but our sincere responses tend to be way off target and God knows that doesn't work worth crap. So cut us a break and give us dummies a hint. :smiley19:

Oh, BTW I always leave the seat down!

YellowfinKunkfish
08-29-2007, 17:22
That's very simple.

Be honest about it.
Apologize sincerely.
Don't ever do it again.

I personally do not want my husband to buy me things, because he's sorry. Sorry guys, but that just feels fake to me. Just apologize. (and mean it) I know my husband is sincere with his apology, when he doesn't do whatever it was he did, ever again. I want flowers and gifts for my birthday, Valentines, or just because he loves me. NOT because he screwed up.

divechaplain-sara
08-29-2007, 18:03
And to really get back in good graces quickly, take the time to think about why it is that whatever you did made us mad, and apologize both for the action and the effect it had. For example, you didn't call to say you would be late--which makes us feel that we aren't important to you, that you who we love dearly don't care for us, that we aren't worthy of your time, and that all the work we did to try to make dinner, etc. nice for you is unappreciated, therefore we are unappreciated, therefore we are unworthy, but wait we know we aren't unworthy, how dare you do anything that would make us doubt our self worth, now I'm mad, but wait what if he was in an accident, he could be hurt, he could be dead on the side of the road, how selfish of me to worry about myself and what I've done when he could be hurt, maybe I should start calling hospitals and see if he has been admitted, or even worse the Medical Examiner--oh there you are WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN--I'VE BEEN WORRIED SICK

You get the picture--acknowledge not just that you are sorry that you didn't call but that you also realize the turmoil that it put us through and that it did not show us the consideration that you always intend to show us and how sorry you are about that as well. Then ask us to forgive you and do you best not to ever do it again.

Suther2136
08-29-2007, 18:35
I see a recurring theme here (OK, 2 for 2). Never do it again! Why is that? When my wife pisses me off, I do NOT recount all the times she has done the same thing before, once it's forgotten it's gone, done, over with. But when I screw up on something I may have done before; I hear "Your not sorry, you do this all the time!" Is there really a need to drag up the past? I don't get it...

divechaplain-sara
08-29-2007, 18:51
Not doing it again is important because once you know that something upsets us and you do it again chances are good that it will be interpreted as you chose to do it again when you knew it was something that would upset us. Which then makes us feel that we really don't matter to you and that we are fools for all of our emotional investment in you which once again leads us down the path of doubting our own self worth and if you really cared about us you would never do anything that would cause us to feel like we are less than we really are.

Here's a recurring theme, frequently when we get mad at men it is because something that they have done has lead down a path in our minds that makes us doubt our own self-worth.

Repetition of the same grievence digs a deeper cut in our psyche.

Liv7301
08-29-2007, 18:53
Ok, so some of us can hold on to things for a teensy bit of time...

Perhaps we believe that someone would not want to willinging and knowingly do something that would be inconsiderate/annoying/hurtful etc etc to the other person. This is not to say that we are great at not repeating the past because we do the same things sometimes.

Think of it this way: we see it as a reflection of growth and change. If we continue to repeat the past nothing was learning from the experience before. Then we would be forever doing the same things to each other with no lessons learned or relationship progress made.

Hopefully that makes some sense and I wasn't clear as mud trying to explain it.

dallasdivergirl
08-29-2007, 19:04
I see a recurring theme here (OK, 2 for 2). Never do it again! Why is that? When my wife pisses me off, I do NOT recount all the times she has done the same thing before, once it's forgotten it's gone, done, over with. But when I screw up on something I may have done before; I hear "Your not sorry, you do this all the time!" Is there really a need to drag up the past? I don't get it...

speaking for myself I have the memory of an elephant. I can remember things that makes guys tell me "I am going to be in trouble with you". it does work both ways, I will always remember all of the good things that you do. I try to forgive in hopes that I will be forgiven.

scuba Widow
08-29-2007, 19:31
I am with the other ladies so far...I'm sorry goes a long way with me.

Vercingetorix
08-29-2007, 19:47
The OP and comments appear to divide us into two classes: men and women. Is this necessary?

That is, why do (or should) we view this as one-way?: how should men make-up to women? The responses so far reflect a more universal requirement of reconciliation, regardless of a man apologizing to a woman or vice versa. Even a man apologizing to a man or a woman apologizing to a woman.

The requirements of reconciliation are the same: be sincere and try not to repeat the offense.

aquababe66
08-29-2007, 20:39
And to really get back in good graces quickly, take the time to think about why it is that whatever you did made us mad, and apologize both for the action and the effect it had. For example, you didn't call to say you would be late--which makes us feel that we aren't important to you, that you who we love dearly don't care for us, that we aren't worthy of your time, and that all the work we did to try to make dinner, etc. nice for you is unappreciated, therefore we are unappreciated, therefore we are unworthy, but wait we know we aren't unworthy, how dare you do anything that would make us doubt our self worth, now I'm mad, but wait what if he was in an accident, he could be hurt, he could be dead on the side of the road, how selfish of me to worry about myself and what I've done when he could be hurt, maybe I should start calling hospitals and see if he has been admitted, or even worse the Medical Examiner--oh there you are WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN--I'VE BEEN WORRIED SICK

You get the picture--acknowledge not just that you are sorry that you didn't call but that you also realize the turmoil that it put us through and that it did not show us the consideration that you always intend to show us and how sorry you are about that as well. Then ask us to forgive you and do you best not to ever do it again.

This is so true! I think divechaplain knows me personally. Normal chain of thought:
1. He must not love me as much as I thought he did - I'm unworthy
2. Then anger sets in - I'm unappreciated
3. Then worry - What if had an accident
4. Finally panic - start frantically calling anyone and everyone to see if he's ok.
5. Then he comes home only to find out that he simply didn't think it was any big deal... he's fine and everything is ok.

Simply put - Women think of everyone else first, men think of themselves first. I'm not man-bashing... it's just a fact.

One clarification... I should say MOST men. There is always an exception to every rule.

Suther2136
08-29-2007, 20:40
I think one thing is very clear. Women put far too much intent behind a man's actions. I get this at home as well, the reality is that men (in general, or at least me) do not put any deeper meaning into a screw up.

My favorite greeting card of all time goes something like this:
FRONT OF CARD
"Honey, remember when I said something yesterday that you could take two ways...one way made you sad and want to cry, the second way made you happy and want to laugh..."

INSIDE OF CARD
"I meant the second way."

I know it sounds trite, but men are really butt simple. If we mean to hurt you it will be really clear; unfortunately we don't see that the female self esteem filter sees things in a way we never intended. Thus when you get hurt there really are times when we don't have clue what we're in trouble for, and suggesting that we should know really doesn't help clear it up.

BYW, thanks for the therapy, an inside scoop is really nice. If I've pissed any of you off, I'm not aware of it. So let me take the opportunity to say I'm sorry for anything I have said or will say in the future.

dmdoss
08-29-2007, 22:30
I know don't post here, buy rather than discuss it with the guys; years of poor listening funneled into poor responses (repeated over and over), I thought I'd just go to the source for the answer. So here it is, Your guy has just pissed you off, what is the proper response to get back in your good graces? I know this sounds contrived and insincere, but our sincere responses tend to be way off target and God knows that doesn't work worth crap. So cut us a break and give us dummies a hint. :smiley19:

Oh, BTW I always leave the seat down!

SUTHER WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!:smiley36:Do you know what you've opened yourself up for?:smiley2:

Osprey
08-29-2007, 22:55
Yup, apologies are great things. I know it's hard to keep up with "do"s and "don't"s, but I generally try to stop and really SAY WHY something has upset me. Sometimes, it's just a miscommunication, other times he simple didn't realize he had done something hurtful. It works both ways, too

Osprey
08-29-2007, 22:57
. Thus when you get hurt there really are times when we don't have clue what we're in trouble for, and suggesting that we should know really doesn't help clear it up.

My fiance has stated this exact thing. Unfortunately, it's true.. men are pretty bad at reading minds ;)

I kid. But I do find that sitting down to talk a bit does help A LOT (or if I'm just TOO MAD, telling him I need to cool down first helps too, and then discuss later)

It sounds trivial, but it works.

Suther2136
08-30-2007, 05:02
I know don't post here, buy rather than discuss it with the guys; years of poor listening funneled into poor responses (repeated over and over), I thought I'd just go to the source for the answer. So here it is, Your guy has just pissed you off, what is the proper response to get back in your good graces? I know this sounds contrived and insincere, but our sincere responses tend to be way off target and God knows that doesn't work worth crap. So cut us a break and give us dummies a hint. :smiley19:

Oh, BTW I always leave the seat down!

SUTHER WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!:smiley36:Do you know what you've opened yourself up for?:smiley2:

Yea, nothing. This is the best no harm no foul there is. If I have this chat with folks who knew me I could step in something an really get in trouble.

Anne Eastwell
10-23-2007, 20:58
Most of us girls do tend to over-analyse every little thing and then dwell on it...

I know my boy isn't deliberately trying to piss me off, it just happens. When/if he apologises for something I do know he's sincere because he doesn't do it often. I don't spend too much energy waiting for one either.

My memory is extremely(!) long and his is equally short - I'm trying not to dredge up the past "you said or did such and such last week/month/year", he just doesn't remember so has no impact. And I'm getting over him making the same mistakes again and again, he just does. He is the way he is and I love every bit of him.

The "apologies" make up for the disagreements!!! :smiley2:

Boris42
10-24-2007, 08:26
Ok guys, it's really quite simple. If you truly value the relationship, never let her forget it. Make deposits to the "emotional relationship bank" regularly. Tell her how much you appreciate her, how wonderful she makes you feel, how pretty she is even before she puts on her makeup etc. Make a conscience effort to pick up not only after yourself but her too from time to time. Do the dishes or maybe even a load of laundry from time to time. Get off early and come home and have dinner ready when she gets home rather than heading off to the driving range or the pub. You get the idea. That way when we do, and we will, have a brain fart her emotional relationship bank will have such a positive balance that she'll hardly notice the withdrawal.

fire diver
10-24-2007, 08:45
And to really get back in good graces quickly, take the time to think about why it is that whatever you did made us mad, and apologize both for the action and the effect it had. For example, you didn't call to say you would be late--which makes us feel that we aren't important to you, that you who we love dearly don't care for us, that we aren't worthy of your time, and that all the work we did to try to make dinner, etc. nice for you is unappreciated, therefore we are unappreciated, therefore we are unworthy, but wait we know we aren't unworthy, how dare you do anything that would make us doubt our self worth, now I'm mad, but wait what if he was in an accident, he could be hurt, he could be dead on the side of the road, how selfish of me to worry about myself and what I've done when he could be hurt, maybe I should start calling hospitals and see if he has been admitted, or even worse the Medical Examiner--oh there you are WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN--I'VE BEEN WORRIED SICK

Very well explained look into the psychi of a woman. Thanks for the glimps. What seems like "no big deal" to guys sometimes, can be huge to others.

FD

caroln
10-24-2007, 08:51
Ok guys, it's really quite simple. If you truly value the relationship, never let her forget it. Make deposits to the "emotional relationship bank" regularly. Tell her how much you appreciate her, how wonderful she makes you feel, how pretty she is even before she puts on her makeup etc. Make a conscience effort to pick up not only after yourself but her too from time to time. Do the dishes or maybe even a load of laundry from time to time. Get off early and come home and have dinner ready when she gets home rather than heading off to the driving range or the pub. You get the idea. That way when we do, and we will, have a brain fart her emotional relationship bank will have such a positive balance that she'll hardly notice the withdrawal.

This is really the key to any successful relationship, and from both sides, not just the man towards the woman. We need to also make 'deposits' because there are definitely times where we make withdrawals big time.

fire diver
10-24-2007, 08:56
OK gals, got a question. This applies to many of my friends as well, so I know I'm not alone in this.

Why can my wife have a dream that I something stupid or cheated or whatever, THEN GETS PISSED OFF AT ME!?? I mean really. It's a dream. Why am I to suffer the slings and arrows of her mind's misfortunes for days for something that never happened?

FD

Boris42
10-24-2007, 09:23
Ok guys, it's really quite simple. If you truly value the relationship, never let her forget it. Make deposits to the "emotional relationship bank" regularly. Tell her how much you appreciate her, how wonderful she makes you feel, how pretty she is even before she puts on her makeup etc. Make a conscience effort to pick up not only after yourself but her too from time to time. Do the dishes or maybe even a load of laundry from time to time. Get off early and come home and have dinner ready when she gets home rather than heading off to the driving range or the pub. You get the idea. That way when we do, and we will, have a brain fart her emotional relationship bank will have such a positive balance that she'll hardly notice the withdrawal.

This is really the key to any successful relationship, and from both sides, not just the man towards the woman. We need to also make 'deposits' because there are definitely times where we make withdrawals big time.

Very true, and I'm one luck guy. Cshel is amazing. She constantly reminds me of why I love her so much. Not a day goes by that she doesn't make me wish there were more ways for me to make her happy, honored to be a part of her life.

We have yet to have a "fight" in our year and a half of being together. It does help that we are kindred spirits and were very close friends for 2 years prior to becoming lovers. This isn't to say that there haven't been tense moments here or there. There have been. But it's just so easy to remember that she truly means no harm when she spends so much time on a regular basis "honoring" me that it never becomes a fight where there are winners and losers.

We both had enough of that in our previous lives. Enough to last a lifetime, and we remind each other regularly of how nice it is not to be there any longer.

Ok, enough Oxygen channel stuff for now. I'm going to go put on a Die Hard movie for a while. :smilie40:

scubajane
11-30-2007, 19:16
men and women are different duh...
women overthink... men have a 'nothing box' where 'nothing' happens. they can sit and stare and their brain is off. really ....
women's brains are on overdrive all-the-time-... "we get home 5 min early and think, where is he, why didn't he call, is he going to eat, what shall I cook, maybe I don't have something that he wants to eat, should I bake the potato or have mashed, then what about the gravy and on and on and on. it's really hard to shut off the brain.
we also have a tendency to 'wrong think' like they say 'let's order pizza' and we hear 'he hates my cooking' then he says ,let's eat in tonight' we hear 'my looks embarrass him he doesn't want to be seen with me'
sometimes we don't even make sense
BUT when you big guys wrap your arms around us and just tell us that you love us everything seems to be better. even if it does not make sense.
My Dad told me that if 2 people agree on everything
you don't need one of them:smiley36: