PDA

View Full Version : Are Children Required for a Happy Marriage?



Vercingetorix
08-29-2007, 17:52
This article (http://news.yahoo.com/s/pew/20070829/ts_pew/41saychildrenkeytomarriage) quotes a study which states only 4 in 10 Americans say children are important to have a happy marriage.

How important are kids to a happy marriage?

Hemlon
08-29-2007, 17:55
Not important at all. I know several childless-by-choice couples who seem to be extremely happy.

awap
08-29-2007, 17:59
Only if one or more parties of the marriage want them ---- and counseling doesn't help.

Theepdinker
08-29-2007, 18:27
The wife & I decided 1 was good.
He's 25 & making his way in life.

We are having the time of our lives now.

Theep

Charlotte Smith
08-29-2007, 18:29
Children just seem to enhance the love that you have for your partner and there is nothing like seeing your spouse be a parent....it is someting to be proud of!

thor
08-29-2007, 18:35
I don't think your poll has enough choices. My children definitely make life better for me. My marriage is one of the best thing that has ever happened to me, but my marriage is my relationship with my wife. It is enhanced by having children, but also complicated by having children. The yin and the yang. I don't think children can fix or ruin a marriage, but it can certainly expedite things down either path.

finflippers
08-29-2007, 19:12
You can have a great marriage with or without kids. I believe that you have to have a great bond between your spouse and yourself to make any marriage work.

gtjason2000
08-29-2007, 19:14
we are waiting a long time to have kids. If we wait we can build up principal early with all the disposable income plus go on dive trips. Plus we have a hard enough time with our puppies.

Formerly 45yroldNewbie
08-29-2007, 19:33
I don't think your poll has enough choices. My children definitely make life better for me. My marriage is one of the best thing that has ever happened to me, but my marriage is my relationship with my wife. It is enhanced by having children, but also complicated by having children. The yin and the yang. I don't think children can fix or ruin a marriage, but it can certainly expedite things down either path.

Exactly right. If your marriage is bad having a child will not make it better and will probably just add more stress to the marriage thus making worse. If it is good then having a child (when both agree) is one of the best things that can happen.

Osprey
08-29-2007, 20:20
I think it depends on the individual people by far. There are many people out there who are not fit to be parents, and likewise.. many people who make really awesome parents! I have seen both. There's nothing worse than an unhappy child with poor parents..

Flatliner
08-29-2007, 20:24
While I would never tell someone to have a child to make their marriage better, that is exactly what happened to my wife and I. I think the biggest reason is that it was the first time she saw "us" as a family. Prior to our first child I was 2nd place to "her" family.

Foo2
08-29-2007, 20:25
I don't think your poll has enough choices. My children definitely make life better for me. My marriage is one of the best thing that has ever happened to me, but my marriage is my relationship with my wife. It is enhanced by having children, but also complicated by having children. The yin and the yang. I don't think children can fix or ruin a marriage, but it can certainly expedite things down either path.

Thor for president!:smiley20:

Capt Hook
08-29-2007, 21:39
We have 5 sons and I swear our marriage is much happier since they are grown and gone and we don't have them pulling at us.

PlatypusMan
08-29-2007, 21:48
Speaking strictly for myself,for some strange reason I was never socialized into the idea that it was necessary to have children in order to be fulfilled in life.

Let me remark on a trend that I have noted recently that causes me great concern: I see larger and larger numbers of young people in my day job pushing a stroller with one or more children in tow looking to purchase either an engagement ring or wedding band.

Is having the child first prior to marriage the current trend? -- or am I just out of step with the times by being disturbed by this?

scuba Widow
08-29-2007, 21:51
I don't think that children are vital for a happy marriage. A marriage is between to people that love each and children are only an extension of that love.

dmdoss
08-29-2007, 22:20
I can't imagine my life with out them.

greyzen
08-29-2007, 22:55
My wife and I have discussed children and we both think we are too greedy and self-serving to be good parents at this level in our lives.
I think it would put a strain on our marriage if we had to include a kid in it.

Liv7301
08-30-2007, 06:39
We have decided to wait as well. We have been married for 5 years and will probably wait a few more years before considering having a child. With John still in his doctorate program and me working it would leave us personally and financially frazzled. Plus, I am a teacher. There is no better birth control than working with 600 children...when I get home at the end of the day the thought of then having to take care of my own children is incomprehensible. One or the other would suffer. Lastly, we are very happy with life right now. We love where our marriage is and the freedom we have to pick up and dive or travel whenever we want.

I do think that children complicate things...more arguments about child rearing decisions, additional financial burden, inter-family power struggle...

gtjason2000
08-30-2007, 07:20
There is no better birth control than working with 600 children...when I get home at the end of the day the thought of then having to take care of my own children is incomprehensible.

Whenever my wife starts feeling maternal we joke that I better rush her out to a place where there are a bunch of kids being brats. The zoo usually works well because we are guarunteed to see kids saying mom I want a cookie and I want a Dr. Pepper.

creggur
08-30-2007, 07:30
we are waiting a long time to have kids. If we wait we can build up principal early with all the disposable income plus go on dive trips. Plus we have a hard enough time with our puppies.


This is the path that my wife and I chose, and it has worked out well for us.. We got to do a lot of traveling and enjoyed being young without the expense and responsibility that comes with having a child. We've been able to save and plan for the future with the extra income of being DINKS(Dual Income No KidS). Now we are at a place in life that it seems right to add to the family. We've been married for 12 years, and have a solid relationship. I couldn't imagine having a child when I was younger, plus we have the advantage of seeing what our friends have done raising their kids, good and bad..

frankc420
08-30-2007, 07:38
I love my son! Can't imagine my life without him now...

In my case, having a child took the 'neediness' that my wife had out of my hands! Now she can snuggle, kiss, hug, etc with our son, and he doesn't get the stink eye when he doesn't want to snuggle! :)

Zenagirl
08-30-2007, 07:38
We don't have kids and always say "if we couldn't have kids at least we can travel." So we take 2 tropical dive vacations a year (1 for a week, the other for 2 weeks) and enjoy eachother and dive, dive, dive!

JCAT
08-30-2007, 07:50
My wife and I were married young and thought that after a few years we would have children. However, later we found out that it was not to be.

Next month will be our 23rd anniversary.

Vercingetorix
08-30-2007, 07:56
I don't see the children as a requirement for my marriage.

First, I'm too selfish with my wife's time. I'll admit that. If a child were in the picture, then the child must take precedence. Nearly every action requires the decision point: What about the children?

Second, my parents tried their best. They really did. All three kids grew-up with issues, me included. Given that my parents would be my only "role model", I would repeat their mistakes. I wouldn't wish that on any kid.

Sometimes, when I see a happy family of three or four, I pause for only a moment to consider what it would have been like to have kids. The moment passes; I move on.

willardj
08-30-2007, 08:05
I don't think your poll has enough choices. My children definitely make life better for me. My marriage is one of the best thing that has ever happened to me, but my marriage is my relationship with my wife. It is enhanced by having children, but also complicated by having children. The yin and the yang. I don't think children can fix or ruin a marriage, but it can certainly expedite things down either path.
So true. So true.

BSea
08-30-2007, 08:13
I don't think your poll has enough choices. My children definitely make life better for me. My marriage is one of the best thing that has ever happened to me, but my marriage is my relationship with my wife. It is enhanced by having children, but also complicated by having children. The yin and the yang. I don't think children can fix or ruin a marriage, but it can certainly expedite things down either path.
WOW, that's pretty deep. And just when I thought you were all about "THE BEST":smiley32:. See this thread (http://forum.scubatoys.com/showthread.php?t=2646)for those that don't know what I'm talking about.

dallasdivergirl
08-30-2007, 09:00
I have chosen to be childless. My ex-husband and I had agreed before marriage to not have children (he has a hereditary disease that I had no intention of carrying on to another generation). His brother had a daughter and the ex just had to have a child. I couldn't bring myself to do that.

My parents tried very hard, but me and one of my sisters have had some extensive therapy due to the "spare the rod, spoil the child" mentality (they gave out whipping until we moved out of the house at 18). I know I have that in my gene pool and I would never bring up a child in that manner.

I do see my sisters with their children and they have wonderful relationships with them and the children bring me great joy, I just don't feel the urge to have my own.

georoc01
08-30-2007, 09:01
I agree with there not being enough options, which is why I didn't vote. Its not a requirement for a marriage, but I think if you turn the question around, that having children should have parents that are able to take on the responsiblity that the job entails. I think Thor hit it on the head that it can accelerate a marriage in either direction.

yankeefan21
08-30-2007, 10:20
What's scary to me is to see relationships whose happiness and success are solely predicated on having and rearing children. At some point, they grow up, move out, and move on. Then what do you do?

I love children. Really, I do. However, I don't think having a child will automatically make my relationship with my wife better or deeper or more valid...

JCAT
08-30-2007, 10:52
I don't see the children as a requirement for my marriage.

Sometimes, when I see a happy family of three or four, I pause for only a moment to consider what it would have been like to have kids. The moment passes; I move on.

We have those moments as well.

BSea
08-30-2007, 10:56
What's scary to me is to see relationships whose happiness and success are solely predicated on having and rearing children. At some point, they grow up, move out, and move on. Then what do you do?
Go back to buying scuba gear & going on trips. That's what I did.:)

willardj
08-30-2007, 11:03
What's scary to me is to see relationships whose happiness and success are solely predicated on having and rearing children. At some point, they grow up, move out, and move on. Then what do you do?
Go back to buying scuba gear & going on trips. That's what I did.:)
:smiley20: I have 14 more yrs. before I can do that.

BSea
08-30-2007, 11:22
What's scary to me is to see relationships whose happiness and success are solely predicated on having and rearing children. At some point, they grow up, move out, and move on. Then what do you do?
Go back to buying scuba gear & going on trips. That's what I did.:)
:smiley20: I have 14 more yrs. before I can do that.
Which unfortunatly means you probably have 16 to 18.:smiley11: Seems like forever. But I'm sure my parents thought the same thing.

willardj
08-30-2007, 11:45
quote]
Which unfortunatly means you probably have 16 to 18.:smiley11: Seems like forever. But I'm sure my parents thought the same thing.[/quote]

Well 14 more he'll be 19-20 so we should be ok by then.. The wife said when he graduates he was getting luggage for a grad. gift. lol .

greyzen
08-30-2007, 11:49
Well 14 more he'll be 19-20 so we should be ok by then.. The wife said when he graduates he was getting luggage for a grad. gift. lol .


Have you seen the "Good to Go" commercial from Taco Bell?

College student is basically playing video games and his parents give it to him as a surprise. "Here honey, they are good... to go."

His car is all packed up and ready for him :)

yankeefan21
08-30-2007, 11:51
The wife said when he graduates he was getting luggage for a grad. gift. lol .
:smilie39:

Sounds to me like you and BSea had the foundations for solid relationships long before the kid(s) came. So, you wouldn't meet my aforementioned criteria. :smiley20:

willardj
08-30-2007, 12:04
Well 14 more he'll be 19-20 so we should be ok by then.. The wife said when he graduates he was getting luggage for a grad. gift. lol .


Have you seen the "Good to Go" commercial from Taco Bell?

College student is basically playing video games and his parents give it to him as a surprise. "Here honey, they are good... to go."

His car is all packed up and ready for him :)

Yeah. Only she said that before that came out. Funny thou. I hope it don't go on that long.

I only have 7 more yrs. and I can take him along. Can't wait for that.

Hemlon
08-30-2007, 12:19
As much as we don't want to think about it, everyone who decides to become a parent has to consider the fact that the responsibility MAY not end when the child reaches adulthood.

Birth trauma, genetic issues and childhood accidents can all lead to a lifetime of parental responsibility.

I'm not saying that this is necessarily a bad thing but it must be considered. If you are like most people, you have some sort of a timeline in your mind.

You will be busy with your kids until they become teenagers at which time they will suddenly never want to be seen with you.

After this time, they will come back down to earth right before leaving for college where they will spend the next 3.75 years before marrying the perfect spouse and having 2.3 beautiful children.

Most of us don't consider that we may be changing the adult diapers of our adult children, be tube feeding them or be managing the pressure sores that they inevitably develop.

I never even considered those things when my children were born but I sure see the burden on the faces of parents who are at their adult, handicapped children's bedsides.

scubasavvy
08-30-2007, 12:31
I know that I bring joy to my parent's lives...on occasion. I've decided that I don't want kids, though. When I was little, my father was a plumber and my mom stayed at home to take care of my brother and I. We vacationed in a local area and got by on what we had. When I left the house 2 years ago and moved out on my own, I decided that I wanted to spend the rest of my life traveling and scuba diving with my husband (who I'm still looking for). I've also decided that I wouldn't dare bring a child into this world with all of the crazy stuff going on. Kids aren't kids anymore...

subsur
08-30-2007, 12:32
i believe happy marriage can last without having children but the question is why getting married if there is no desire / plans to have kids. of course, decisions may be influenced by religious upbringing, tax benefits, peer/family pressurea and if it's the case then be it but it is not the case then i don't see a reason to officiate a relationship. if it's to inherit money or for any financial gain, then it can't be a happy marriage to begin with.

ertechsg
08-30-2007, 12:41
No kid to selfish. We can pick up and leave anytime we want. Thats what my nephews are for to keep us in check.

DUnder
08-30-2007, 13:48
No kids are not needed for a happy marriage, they can added much joy to it if both partners want them. They can also added much stress at times. Given that I would do it all over again. Have 2 boys 22 & 18 both in collage this year.

scubasamurai
08-30-2007, 16:32
me , i guess i am a free spirit and my one child is a dream the other is doing that growing up early garabage and playing the favorites when she does something wrong. so i thinkit puts a strain on the marriage. no one should have kids if the marriage is already in trouble, it wil get worst and when the kids hit 18, my marriage is over. and to do it all over again, probably would not and wait till i am 40 to have any kids, as long as it is with a 25 yr old to handle running around with them

Disneymom
08-31-2007, 09:30
Thor, well said.

As a parent, I don't think that kids are necessary. Having children is such a huge decision and responsibility, both mentally and economically. Some couples are the "do their own thing" kind of couple and for that dynamic, kids might not be the best idea. A happy marriage is dependent on the couple.

jwdizney and I have one child, who is a senior in HS. We conciously made the decision to have her. Although I never wanted kids, she has been a joy in my life - despite the moments that I have wanted to kill her for various reasons. I can't imagine life without her, and never have regretted the decision. She's definitely enriched our lives.

loudgonzo
08-31-2007, 13:41
I was forced to become a dad overnight, literally. I dated my wife for several years, she has 2 children from a previous marriage. When we moved in together, it was a big change in my life. I knew she had children when we met, but nothing prepared me for living with them...I met her when they were 1yr and 4yrs, we moved in when they were 4 and 8. We'll be married 3 years in November and the kids are now 7, 12, and a 1 year old. I don't know what kind of quality of life we would have if she didn't have kids when we met, but all 3 of OUR kids have changed my life in a good way. I can't imagine our life without them here.

Charles R
08-31-2007, 13:48
I was married for 4 years before we decided we even wanted to think about having kids. So no not required but fun

ScubaJenn81
09-01-2007, 15:51
I have been married for two years and I am no where ready for kids yet. Maybe later, maybe not, but that does not prove the success of my marriage.

kevinj1
09-01-2007, 22:56
You can have a great marriage with or without kids. I believe that you have to have a great bond between your spouse and yourself to make any marriage work.

I couldnt say it better myself...

DivingsInMyBlood
09-02-2007, 00:12
you can have a great marrige without kids but i cant wait until one day when i get some of my own little ankle bitters.