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chinacat46
08-31-2007, 15:26
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty
word or two in it, but here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to
the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.
Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He
replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
It is, however, the best piece of ash I
have ever put my pecker in."

Hemlon
08-31-2007, 15:35
OMG....some warning would have been great. I almost choked on my Diet Coke.

CrzyJay456
08-31-2007, 15:44
makes my day better, thanks.

scuba Widow
08-31-2007, 16:08
that was too funny...thanks

torrey
08-31-2007, 16:29
OMG....some warning would have been great. I almost choked on my Diet Coke.

I did choke on my Coke Zero!

edit: I just realized I need to go find that grouper thread for my transition!

Vegas
08-31-2007, 16:34
Do you know why Cannibals won't eat clowns??






---------------------------------
Because they taste funny!
:smiley36:

CrzyJay456
08-31-2007, 16:43
ignore please

BSea
08-31-2007, 18:07
Do you know why Cannibals won't eat clowns??






---------------------------------
Because they taste funny!
:smiley36:
It would have been better if you said "Do you know why Sharks won't eat clowns??" After all, it is a scuba forum:)

Vegas
08-31-2007, 18:18
It would have been better if you said "Do you know why Sharks won't eat clowns??" After all, it is a scuba forum:)


You're Right!!

Okay then....

Do You know what you get when you cross
The Atlantic with
The Titantic ??

Vegas
08-31-2007, 18:19
Do You know what you get when you cross
The Atlantic with
The Titantic ??




Half-way!

bullshark
08-31-2007, 18:39
Do You know what you get when you cross
The Atlantic with
The Titantic ??




Half-way!


ROFLMAO

I know its wrong but that was good

chinacat46
08-31-2007, 18:39
Here is a bad but clean one:

Q: Why did the whale cross the ocean?

A: Do get to the other tide.

Hey I warned you it was bad.

ScubaToys Larry
08-31-2007, 18:52
A horse walks into a bar.. the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

chinacat46
09-01-2007, 02:17
There are 10 types of people those that understand binary and those that don't!

turtle_guy
09-01-2007, 02:19
nerd jokes are always good yay I'm a nerd i got it

ScubaGir1
09-01-2007, 03:26
LOL great joke Chinacat46 :)

Suther2136
09-01-2007, 07:59
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic with and agnostic and an insomniac?

georoc01
09-01-2007, 08:44
A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered ... take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.

greyzen
09-01-2007, 09:10
I guy walks into a bar and says "Ouch!"

Suther2136
09-01-2007, 12:32
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic with and agnostic and an insomniac?

Someone who lies awake at night and wonders if there really is a Dog.

scuba Widow
09-01-2007, 13:12
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way
to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar
immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman
next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black-belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now,think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No..not
if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Just got this one in an email had to share...

Vegas
09-04-2007, 13:06
A three-legged dog

Limps into a bar

and says....

"I'm looking for the man,
that shot my pa!"

NitroWill
09-04-2007, 13:11
A three-legged dog

Limps into a bar

and says....

"I'm looking for the man,
that shot my pa!"

now thats funny - i dont care who you are :smiley36:

yankeefan21
09-04-2007, 13:12
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Parisi ?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Joey Parisi,
and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an
altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."


Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and
whispers, "What'd you get?"

"4 months vacation and five good leads."

No Misses
09-04-2007, 13:20
A cowboy from Oklahoma State University, hauling his horse in a trailer
to a rodeo gets pulled over by an Texas DPS Trooper for speeding.
The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in
general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel
uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing
it, he kept swatting at some flies that were persistently buzzing around
his head.

The cowboy sez, "Y'all havin' a problem with them circle flies ?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if
that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."


Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches.
They're called circle flies because they're almost always found
circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a
moment later he stops and asks, "Are you callin' me a horse's back end?"

No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law
enforcement to call y'all a horse's back end."


"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.


After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Oklahoma drawl says, "Hard to fool
them flies though".

No Misses
09-04-2007, 13:22
Here are some clean ones for the kids.

FOR ALL YOU Scholars of Confucianism or Confusionism; whatever!!!

Confucious say:

1. Bicycle cannot stand alone, because it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time fly like arrow; fruit fly like banana.

4. Backward poet write inverse.

5. In democracy, it is the vote that counts; in feudalism, it is the Count that votes.

6. Chicken crossing road is poultry in motion.

7. One who does not pay exorcist may be repossessed.

8. Woman who marry get new name and a dress.

9. Show me piano falling down mine shaft and I will show you A-flat minor.

10. When clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

11. Man who fell into upholstery machine, fully recovered.

12. Grenade fall onto kitchen floor in France; results Linoleum Blownapart.

13. Man stuck in debt, cannot budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia is the LAN down under.

15. Man brreak into song because he cann! ot find the key.

16. As with man, days of Calendar are numbered.

17. Much money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. Boiled egg hard to beat.

19. Sometimes photographic memory never develops.

20. Plateau is high form of flattery.

21. Short fortune teller who escape jail, small medium at large.

22. Man too big for britches will be exposed in end.

23. Man who has seen one shopping center, has seen a mall.

24. Man who jump off Paris bridge is in Seine.

25. Woman who sees her first strands of gray hair, thinks she will dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipe on knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

29. Marathon runner with bad shoes suffer agony of de feet.

And might I add...
'tis far better to have loved short woman than never to have loved a tall.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy!

yankeefan21
09-04-2007, 13:48
You forgot:

30. Baseball wrong. Man with 4 balls no can walk.

Osprey
09-04-2007, 14:09
These are all extra awesome!

scuba Widow
09-04-2007, 19:42
These are great!!!

scubafreak
09-05-2007, 00:17
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

* 2 litres of low fat milk
* a carton of eggs
* 2 litres of orange juice
* a head of lettuce
* half a dozen tomatoes
* a 500g jar of coffee
* 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, A drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she wasintrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked ather six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?

"The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Suther2136
09-05-2007, 06:36
So there once was a group of scientists in Georgia who discovered that they could make a serum from the blood of baby sea gulls that would allow dolphins to live forever. The serum, however, needed to be freshly preparred to do the job.

They worked hard gathering as many baby birds as they needed, then set out to the south to test their theory.

As they crossed the state line into Florida they were arrested and charged with transporting young gulls across state lines for imortal porpoises.

underwaterdan
09-05-2007, 07:41
Two guys walk into a bar.... you think the second one would have ducked.

Vegas
09-05-2007, 11:14
Energizer bunny arrested! Charged with Battery.

Vegas
09-05-2007, 12:53
a good pun is it's own re-word

scuba Widow
09-05-2007, 19:11
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

* 2 litres of low fat milk
* a carton of eggs
* 2 litres of orange juice
* a head of lettuce
* half a dozen tomatoes
* a 500g jar of coffee
* 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, A drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she wasintrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked ather six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?

"The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

That is just wrong!!!! But funny.

georoc01
09-14-2007, 11:57
What type of battery shocks a Michigan Wolverine?

1 AA..

Suther2136
09-15-2007, 21:26
Have you heard about the newest cause called D.A.M. ....




Mothers Against Dyslexia

Suther2136
09-15-2007, 21:30
What do you get when you cross a Dyslexic, with an Agnostic and an Insomniac?




Someone who lies awake at night wonder if there really is a dog!

NitroWill
09-15-2007, 21:38
What do you get when you cross a Dyslexic, with an Agnostic and an Insomniac?




Someone who lies awake at night wonder if there really is a dog!

are you dyslexic? because you just told that joke on page 2..:smiley29::smiley36:

bversteegh
09-16-2007, 16:35
Original joke in this thread was hilarious:smiley20:

Suther2136
09-16-2007, 21:30
What do you get when you cross a Dyslexic, with an Agnostic and an Insomniac?




Someone who lies awake at night wonder if there really is a dog!

are you dyslexic? because you just told that joke on page 2..:smiley29::smiley36:

No duh, that's just a senior moment. You know Alzheimer's or or I forget what it's called...

chinacat46
09-18-2007, 09:13
Why did the whale cross the ocean?

To get to the other tide.


Sorry but at leasts it's clean.

No Misses
09-20-2007, 08:56
TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:


a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.


b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.


c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.


d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.


a. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.


c. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.


g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.


h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.


i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.


j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.


K. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.


l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.


m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.

No Misses
09-20-2007, 09:00
http://forum.scubatoys.com/cid:image003.jpg@01C7AE83.8C688F80

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies." He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. http://forum.scubatoys.com/cid:image004.jpg@01C7AE83.8C688F80

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

Tableleg
09-21-2007, 13:14
The "TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES" is the best thing I've read in a long time... :smilie39:

georoc01
09-26-2007, 12:37
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class...

"Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said... "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that...I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again... "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her... "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class..."Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said... "The ! body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said..."Very good, Billy," then she turned to Mary and continued.

"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say... One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed."

dallasdivergirl
09-26-2007, 12:43
you guys are good

And yes Mary is going to be very disappointed.

Defman
09-26-2007, 13:00
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic with and agnostic and an insomniac?

Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog.

WV Diver
09-26-2007, 13:19
Just a few goodies.

Defman
09-26-2007, 13:24
A lady walks into a bar holding a duck under her arm. The drunk at the end of the bar says, "Hey, where'd you get that pig?". The lady rudely replies, "For your information sir, this is a duck!". The drunk replies, "For your information, I was talking to the duck!"

Vegas
09-26-2007, 13:36
Thanks! I needed those!

chinacat46
09-26-2007, 17:20
What do you call a clairvoyant midget that has escaped from jail?

A: Small Medium at Large.

Diverdude
09-26-2007, 18:07
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinosaurus?

A: Elephino. (great one for the kids)

vimalp
09-26-2007, 19:08
Two old ladies are standing on a sidewalk, smoking cigarettes. Suddenly, it starts to rain and one of the ladies pulls out a condom from her purse, puts it over her cigarette and continues to puff. The other lady was mighty impressed.

The next day, she walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms.
The sales man looks at her awkwardly and asks " which kind?"

The lady says "I don't care as long as it fits a camel"...

Vegas
09-27-2007, 11:25
GRANDMA IN COURT

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting
attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the
stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to
approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to
the electric chair."

WV Diver
09-27-2007, 11:43
GRANDMA IN COURT

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting
attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the
stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to
approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to
the electric chair."

This is hilariuos, you should send it to Thor.

dallasdivergirl
09-27-2007, 12:11
GRANDMA IN COURT

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting
attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the
stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to
approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to
the electric chair."

You are talking about half of the little ladies in the town I grew up in.

jpep
09-27-2007, 13:41
Here's one from today's emails, colors and fonts as in original:


HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercis e . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the lifeof your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables . So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of del ivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit.Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. I n fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO H OO, What a Ride!"

ScubaGir1
09-27-2007, 13:47
you guys are good

And yes Mary is going to be very disappointed.
:smilie39::smilie39::smilie39:

Illini_Fan
09-27-2007, 14:19
Very funny jpep, thanks

jpep
09-27-2007, 16:32
Very funny jpep, thanks


You're welcome. Hope this one doesn't cause too many groans:


A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, " There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)


The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan... His old man's a Rolling Stone."


(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

BSea
09-27-2007, 22:27
OK, you asked for it. It does say clean and not neccesarily funny.

There was a dentist that at the end of each day went to his local bar.

His bartender named Richard would make him an almond dacari. This got to be such a regular event, that the bartender would have the dacari waiting for the dentist at 5:15 everyday.

One day at 5:05 the bartender started to make the almond dacari, only to discover that he was out of almonds. All he had were some hickory nuts. Since there was no other choice, he decided to try the hickory nuts.

When the dentist sat down at the bar, he took a sip of his drink and made a funny face and said.

"Is this an almond dacari Dick?"

To this the bartender replied....

"No, that's a hickory dacari Doc."

Bring the Payne
09-28-2007, 20:04
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says to the bartender...."I'll have one for me and one for the road."

Suther2136
09-28-2007, 20:33
There was this guy named John who played in a band. He happened to play the harp, go figure. Anyway they played gigs all around the country. One night they were in a discotheque in southern California owned by a guy whose name was Sam Jack. They played a few sets and suddenly John had a heart attack and died.

When John got to the pearly gates St. Peter was there to meet him. He looked through his book, found John's name and welcomed him to heaven. After showing John around St Peter showed him to his new home and asked him if there was anything he needed.

John was then told that as a special treat he could go back to earth and get only one thing to bring back to heaven for ever and ever.

John of course told St. Pete that he did want to go back and said "I need to go back to the last place I was to get my instrument because...I left my harp in Sam Jack's Disco.