PDA

View Full Version : Chuck Norris



Pages : [1] 2

Bigg_Budd
09-03-2007, 17:02
This has been a favorite site of mine for some time, and given the forum, I had to post a link here: http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com

My personal favorite - Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

gtjason2000
09-03-2007, 21:23
I am sure we could come up with some related to diving.

Chuck Norris doesn't need scuba gear, he just holds his breath for hours at a time.

gtjason2000
09-03-2007, 21:24
Chuck Norris doesn't need fins, he just round house kicks his way through the water.

creggur
09-03-2007, 21:32
Did you hear about the great white that died from a Chuck Norris attack?

Chuck Norris doesn't need to decompress, the nitrogen is scared out.

Chuck Norris never has to fire his spear gun, the fish just impale themselves on it.

Manny-R
09-03-2007, 22:09
greatest one of all time IMO:

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
:smilie39: :smilie39:

DivingsInMyBlood
09-03-2007, 22:33
Did you hear about the great white that died from a Chuck Norris attack?

Chuck Norris doesn't need to decompress, the nitrogen is scared out.

Chuck Norris never has to fire his spear gun, the fish just impale themselves on it.

love it. :smiley20:

Chuck Norris is quite the hero on our construction sites, the insides of the porta loo's are like a bible to Chuck Norris.

My fav one is:
Before the boogie man goes to bed he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

this ones also a winner:
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. (http://www.spreadshirt.com/shop.php?sid=19781&product_id=2398292)

Tableleg
09-04-2007, 14:22
We fans the TV show 24 have started doing lists like this for Jack Bauer such as:

When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Jack Bauer.
or
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

And my personal favorite that I use on occation:

Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

:smiley36:

mike_s
09-04-2007, 15:59
you need one of these shirts.

http://www.kiberpipa.org/~mathjazz/shirtCN.png

http://www.lushtshirts.co.uk/images/products/chuck_norris_do.jpg

Bigg_Budd
09-04-2007, 16:20
Chuck Norris would kick Jack Bauer's hiney.

"Behind every good man, there is a good woman. Behind every dead man, there's Chuck Norris..."

Tableleg
09-04-2007, 16:31
Not according to www.jackvschuck.com:

http://www.jackvschuck.com/jvc.html

:smilie39::smiley20::smilie39:

plot
09-04-2007, 17:18
difference between chuck and jack, is jack is a fictional character. ;)

kevinj1
09-04-2007, 17:46
chuck could never be beat--he could roundhouse kick Godzilla in the head if he felt the urge.

Bigg_Budd
09-04-2007, 19:17
Not according to www.jackvschuck.com:

http://www.jackvschuck.com/jvc.html

:smilie39::smiley20::smilie39:

Jack Bauer propaganda. That site only exists because Chuck allows it to.

Pay it no mind.

Tableleg
09-04-2007, 19:49
Psh, Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas. When Chuck Norris get's to be that kind of popular, then we'll talk.

:smilie40:

DivingsInMyBlood
09-04-2007, 19:57
you couldnt call it a fight between jack and chuck, when chuck just roundhouse kicks his head off on his first move, thats not a fight!!! If chuck norris didnt show up he would still win.

drdiver
09-04-2007, 20:01
This is true, Chuck Norris would still win. But I would like to see him fight Steven Seagal.

DivingsInMyBlood
09-04-2007, 20:03
stevens fat and old and not all the speeded up bitch slaps in the world would save him from a Chuck Norris round house to the face.

Tableleg
09-04-2007, 21:26
You guys don't know Jack very well: Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry. You're talking about the guy who, If were president, he would protect the secret service instead of the other way around. You can't just kick that in the head and win.

Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes. I'd like to see Norris try that!

creggur
09-04-2007, 21:28
I don't think Chuck would even have to pull out the roundhouse to take down Segal.

creggur
09-04-2007, 21:31
You guys don't know Jack very well: Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry. You're talking about the guy who, If were president, he would protect the secret service instead of the other way around. You can't just kick that in the head and win.

Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes. I'd like to see Norris try that!

Chuck never would've spent 20 minutes in a Chinese prison, much less 20 months.

An M-16 and a sack lunch is all Chuck would need to deal with the Chinese Army.

plot
09-04-2007, 21:31
You guys don't know Jack very well: Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry. You're talking about the guy who, If were president, he would protect the secret service instead of the other way around. You can't just kick that in the head and win.

Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes. I'd like to see Norris try that!

chuck wouldn't be interrogated unless he wanted to be.

Charlotte Smith
09-04-2007, 21:35
Now now...I like Segal!

torrey
09-04-2007, 22:25
Now now...I like Segal!

Segal couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag without a sock and a pool ball! http://my.opera.com/community/graphics/smilies/norris.gif

Charlotte Smith
09-04-2007, 22:43
Now now...I like Segal!

Segal couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag without a sock and a pool ball! http://my.opera.com/community/graphics/smilies/norris.gif

Maybe not but he would look good doing it!

danielh03
09-05-2007, 03:42
Now now...I like Segal!

Segal couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag without a sock and a pool ball! http://my.opera.com/community/graphics/smilies/norris.gif

Maybe not but he would look good doing it!


I dont know, have you seen him here lately? Really let himself go!

danielh03
09-05-2007, 03:43
I saw a shirt the other day, I think it was at spencers gifts in the mall, had something to the effect "Chucks not hung like a horse, horses are hung like Chuck!"

TxScubaBear
09-05-2007, 06:39
Only Spencers would come up with something like that! (my kids favorite hangout is Spencers)

Tableleg
09-05-2007, 08:14
lol TxScubaBear, I hope your kids are over the age of 16.... It drives me nuts whenever I go to Spencers and there are parents allowing their little kids to run around in there.:smiley22:

Jack Bauer does not get taken prisoner. He puts himself in a disadvantageous position so as to make his next several killings more dramatic.

I have much respect for Segal because of his martial arts ability. Off screen, hes like a 3rd dan black belt in Aikido, the same budo I practice. And that's the great thing about Aikido, even fat guys can do it. :smiley36:

Charlotte Smith
09-05-2007, 08:22
Now now...I like Segal!

Segal couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag without a sock and a pool ball! http://my.opera.com/community/graphics/smilies/norris.gif

Maybe not but he would look good doing it!


I dont know, have you seen him here lately? Really let himself go!
Nope...just in old movies.....

Bigg_Budd
09-05-2007, 09:39
Segal was the real deal, and in his hay-day I'd take him over anyone. Especially that little nancy Jean Claude Van DamnIbrokeanail.

Segal may be washed up, dried out, and a little tubby today. However, I still wouldn't f*ck with him. That dude is still bad to the bone.But Chuck Norris would clean the floor with his tubby a$$.

gtjason2000
09-05-2007, 11:10
I believe steven segal shoots someone with a harpoon in hard target.

creggur
09-05-2007, 11:12
Let's compare a little here. You'll notice in the pictures below that Seagal looks like he'd be winded just climbing a flight of stairs.
http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x267/creggur/200px-Steven_seagalpa.jpg

While Chuck on the other hand who is 11 years older than Seagal doesn't even require SCUBA gear. I heard he just uses a ziplock bag and a sippie straw. If you thought the DIR guys were tough, this is what happens if you don't dive CIR(Chuck Is Right)..
http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x267/creggur/chuck-norris-album8.jpg

So there you have it, there really is no comparison between the two..

Bigg_Budd
09-05-2007, 15:11
Let's compare a little here. You'll notice in the pictures below that Seagal looks like he'd be winded just climbing a flight of stairs.
http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x267/creggur/200px-Steven_seagalpa.jpg

While Chuck on the other hand who is 11 years older than Seagal doesn't even require SCUBA gear. I heard he just uses a ziplock bag and a sippie straw. If you thought the DIR guys were tough, this is what happens if you don't dive CIR(Chuck Is Right)..
http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x267/creggur/chuck-norris-album8.jpg

So there you have it, there really is no comparison between the two..

No one is comparing Segal to Chuck Norris. That is just crazy. In fact, Chuck Norris is actually Steven Segal's father.

"The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris."

foo3
09-05-2007, 16:01
chuck norris showers with ajax.. no water

Foo2
09-05-2007, 16:11
Psh, Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas. When Chuck Norris get's to be that kind of popular, then we'll talk.

:smilie40:

Ok....sorry girl interuption.....

ARE YOU FOR REAL?! How in the world can you put Jack Bauer in the same leage as CHUCK NORRIS??? I would dare to say that anybody that doesn't watch 24 has no idea who Jack Bauer is. Can we say the same for Chuck?...Heck no! Chuck is an all time hottie who could kick Jack in the teeth any day. He's the real deal! Chuck for president!

Charlotte Smith
09-05-2007, 16:13
Let's compare a little here. You'll notice in the pictures below that Seagal looks like he'd be winded just climbing a flight of stairs.
http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x267/creggur/200px-Steven_seagalpa.jpg

While Chuck on the other hand who is 11 years older than Seagal doesn't even require SCUBA gear. I heard he just uses a ziplock bag and a sippie straw. If you thought the DIR guys were tough, this is what happens if you don't dive CIR(Chuck Is Right)..
http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x267/creggur/chuck-norris-album8.jpg

So there you have it, there really is no comparison between the two..

No one is comparing Segal to Chuck Norris. That is just crazy. In fact, Chuck Norris is actually Steven Segal's father.

"The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris."
OMG...he just looks good to me and that's not a winded look...its a don't F@#$ with me look.....Look at Chuck.....his face has so many wrinkles, and not fine lines either...

Bigg_Budd
09-05-2007, 16:41
**ATTENTION LADIES**

No female hijacking of Man Law threads. It's part of the ScubaToys TOS. This is a serious debate on the merits of Chuck Norris' ass kicking abilities. It is not a discussion about how "hot" he or Steven Segal is (or isn't).

We dare not interject our manly opinions on purses or eyeshadow into your Women Issues forum. We'd appreciate it if you'd provide us the same courtesy. :)

timsteam
09-05-2007, 19:18
This tread exists cause CHUCK ALLOWS it to exist

Suther2136
09-05-2007, 19:24
Chuck Norris doesn't pay income taxes, he just sends the blank forms back with picture of himself in attack position.

DivingsInMyBlood
09-05-2007, 19:28
:smilie39::smilie39::smilie39: i laughed so hard when i saw that pic of scuba chuck, his so tough he wont drown underwater because waters too scared to go in his lungs.


Let's compare a little here. You'll notice in the pictures below that Seagal looks like he'd be winded just climbing a flight of stairs.
http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x267/creggur/200px-Steven_seagalpa.jpg

While Chuck on the other hand who is 11 years older than Seagal doesn't even require SCUBA gear. I heard he just uses a ziplock bag and a sippie straw. If you thought the DIR guys were tough, this is what happens if you don't dive CIR(Chuck Is Right)..
http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x267/creggur/chuck-norris-album8.jpg

So there you have it, there really is no comparison between the two..

No one is comparing Segal to Chuck Norris. That is just crazy. In fact, Chuck Norris is actually Steven Segal's father.

"The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris."

gtjason2000
09-05-2007, 20:21
Many believe the titanic struck and iceburg, and they would be wrong. Chuck Norris delivered the fatal blow with a round house kick because the designers dared to consider anything besides Chuck Norris unsinkable.

Bigg_Budd
09-05-2007, 21:04
Chuck Norris doesn't pay income taxes, he just sends the blank forms back with picture of himself in attack position.

Awesome dude.

creggur
09-05-2007, 21:45
Here is proof that Chucks bad-assness knows no political or social bounds. He is an equal opportunity Ass-Kicker. Why? Because Chuck wants it that way.
He can take out

Left-Wingers
http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x267/creggur/chuck-norris-album15.jpg

Right Wingers
http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x267/creggur/chuck-norris-album3.jpg

Super Heroes (Who by the way are only allowed the title "Super" because Chuck allows it. Chuck wouldn't stoop to the title "Super"
http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x267/creggur/chuck-norris-album14.jpg

Neo - You'll never be faster than Chuck
http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x267/creggur/chuck-norris-album13.jpg

One for the PETA crowd
http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x267/creggur/chuck-norris-album10.jpg

And one for the kiddies
http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x267/creggur/chuck-norris-album12.jpg

danielh03
09-06-2007, 00:48
Oh my, how deep does the rabbit hole go?

loudgonzo
09-06-2007, 09:15
Creggur, you owe me a dry cleaning for my shirt! Diet coke all over it!! Damn it! its only 9:15 in the morning! You could have waited to post this picture until after lunch, then I would have an excuse.


Here is proof that Chucks bad-assness knows no political or social bounds. He is an equal opportunity Ass-Kicker. Why? Because Chuck wants it that way.
He can take out

Left-Wingers
http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x267/creggur/chuck-norris-album15.jpg

Right Wingers
http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x267/creggur/chuck-norris-album3.jpg

Super Heroes (Who by the way are only allowed the title "Super" because Chuck allows it. Chuck wouldn't stoop to the title "Super"
http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x267/creggur/chuck-norris-album14.jpg

Neo - You'll never be faster than Chuck
http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x267/creggur/chuck-norris-album13.jpg

One for the PETA crowd
http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x267/creggur/chuck-norris-album10.jpg

And one for the kiddies
http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x267/creggur/chuck-norris-album12.jpg

TxScubaBear
09-06-2007, 09:21
Oh my gosh, too bloody funny!

loudgonzo
09-06-2007, 09:39
-Chuck Norris punched his way out of his mothers womb, and it wasn't Chuck who cried after he was born, it was the Dr., after taking a kick to the chin.

-Chuck doesn't churn butter, he kicks the cow and the butter comes straight out.

-Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer, except Chuck Norris never cries.

Charlotte Smith
09-06-2007, 09:42
**ATTENTION LADIES**

No female hijacking of Man Law threads. It's part of the ScubaToys TOS. This is a serious debate on the merits of Chuck Norris' ass kicking abilities. It is not a discussion about how "hot" he or Steven Segal is (or isn't).

We dare not interject our manly opinions on purses or eyeshadow into your Women Issues forum. We'd appreciate it if you'd provide us the same courtesy. :)
You can interject on woman's issues all you want, women are very good at ignoring manly responses if we want to...just ask my husband...:smiley1:

Bigg_Budd
09-06-2007, 10:31
You can interject on woman's issues all you want, women are very good at ignoring manly responses if we want to...just ask my husband...:smiley1:

Yeah, but I don't want to...

gtjason2000
09-06-2007, 11:20
Chuck Norris originally played the shark in Jaws but during test screenings they experienced too many movie patrons soiling the seats so they reshot the sequences to edit him out.

loudgonzo
09-06-2007, 12:41
MC Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch whatever the hell he wants.

Bigg_Budd
09-12-2007, 16:12
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Reddog_747
09-12-2007, 23:53
As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

jorbar1551
09-13-2007, 12:10
As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

haha, never heard that one

Bigg_Budd
09-13-2007, 13:06
Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

Bigg_Budd
09-14-2007, 10:44
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

Reddog_747
09-14-2007, 12:29
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.

creggur
09-14-2007, 12:34
This is Chuck Noriss' cat

http://formiguinhaatomica3.no.sapo.pt/ChuckNorrisCat.jpg

Bigg_Budd
09-14-2007, 16:59
Bro - That picture is the bomb. I just laughed my ass off..

JahJahwarrior
09-16-2007, 22:05
So....this is a Chuck thread, not a Segal thread. It's just immature and rude of you all to bring Segal into this. I don't care who he is, he does not have the kind of reputation that Chuck does, you cannot act like he does.


Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

When you can see Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris can see you. When you can't see Chuck Norris, you are only seconds away from a painful death.

Chuck once when to the British Virgin Islands. Now, they are known simply as "The Islands."

Anyways....

Bigg_Budd
09-17-2007, 15:45
Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."

JahJahwarrior
09-17-2007, 19:11
Once, Chuck Norris sneezed on a cripped kid in a wheelchair. Instantly, the kid stood up, grew to a height of 7 feet and began to be a fierce killing machine (thought not as fierce or as killing as Chuck.).

The kids name? Master Chief.

debay
09-18-2007, 09:17
Chuck Norris is no longer allowed to Scuba dive. His round house kicks cause tsunami's

just want to know whos gonna try to enforce it

jo8243
09-18-2007, 09:53
Nunchucks!

marchand
09-19-2007, 22:14
Chuck Norris can rounds house kick someone to the back of the face!

When Chuck Norris jumps in the water he doesn't get wet, The water gets Chuck Norris.

What happened when the unstoppable force collided with the unmovable object? Chuck Norris was born.

Chuck Norris donates a bucket of blood every morning, just never his own.

Chuck Norris isn't hung like a horse, horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can swallow a rubix cube and poop it out solved.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light, not because Chuck is afraid of the dark, the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Bigg_Budd
09-20-2007, 11:16
Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

JahJahwarrior
09-24-2007, 21:07
Chuck Norris once round house kicked a guy so hard, his foot flew back in time and killed Amelia Earhart as she flew over the ocean.




A few years back, on a mission trip to Mexico, one of my buds was called upon to give a joke, because the Mexicans had heard he was funny.....he didn't speak spanish, so we got someone to interpret (I speak some spanish, but not enough to tell a good joke...). He told the joke about Chuck Norris being born with a beard. No one got it. Not a single person. I guess Chuck jokes don't translate right.....

robanna
09-25-2007, 17:49
marchand (http://forum.scubatoys.com/member.php?u=1393) - You beat me to it.

When Chuck goes diving he doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck.

Bigg_Budd
09-28-2007, 13:43
On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

JahJahwarrior
09-28-2007, 15:11
One Thanksgiving, Chuck's wife was so busy staring at Chuck's muscles and beard that she forget about the turkey, and it was badly burnt. Chuck grabbed it and swallowed the entire thing. His wife started yelling at him for eating all of the turkey in one giant bite, but he backed away, and coughed it up, but now it wasn't burned, it was stuffed perfectly, had those little hat things on the feet, and came with a thing of cranberry sauce. His wife incredulously asked "How did you do that?!?" Chuck roundhouse-kicked her in the face and said "How dare you question Chuck Norris?!?!?"



So, as part of honors college, we have to go teach lessons once a week in public schools. I promised my 5th grade class that if they were very good, I would tell Chuck Norris jokes at the end of class. One girl proudly announced that she knew two Chuck Norris jokes. I just laughed, becuase I know way more than two. But I didn't laugh, becuase that would have been mean.

Bigg_Budd
09-28-2007, 16:52
When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.

jlittlejohn321
09-29-2007, 13:29
chuck norris might be the most manly man ever

JahJahwarrior
09-30-2007, 23:41
chuck norris is the most manly man ever

I fixed your spelling error.

Venio
10-01-2007, 08:28
Guys, did you know that...

Geico saved 15 percent by switching to Chuck Norris.

torrey
10-01-2007, 12:07
Guys, did you know that...

Geico saved 15 percent by switching to Chuck Norris.

All of these have been funny, but that one seriously made me laugh out loud.

Bigg_Budd
10-01-2007, 12:53
The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.

JahJahwarrior
10-02-2007, 21:24
The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.


The really interesting thing about the Miami Dolphin's team that won Superbowl VII, is.....well you see, one summer Chuck went to Italy and while there, accidentally raped a convent full of nuns. 9 months later, they gave birth to the very team you are referring to.

creggur
10-03-2007, 07:28
The really interesting thing about the Miami Dolphin's team that won Superbowl VII, is.....well you see, one summer Chuck went to Italy and while there, accidentally raped a convent full of nuns. 9 months later, they gave birth to the very team you are referring to.

Chuck doesn't accidentally do anything!! I heard he ALLOWED the nuns to rape him...:smiley20:

JahJahwarrior
10-03-2007, 08:51
Well, he did give them consent, but it was one of those things he didn't really plan to do, you know? And it wasn't a big enough deal to say that he even gave it much thought, raping 30 people didn't take him much energy, he didn't even break a sweat. It would have taken more work to roundhouse kick them all. Chuck is just that good! (or....naughty?)

Diverdude
10-03-2007, 11:01
In the beginning of time, Chuck Norris did a roundhouse and caused the Big Bang and the universe was created. A moment later, God hollared to Chuck "Thanks couldnt have done it without you."

loudgonzo
10-03-2007, 12:28
Chuck Norris has his own drug rehabilitation clinic. The treatment consists of Chuck Norris asking each patient "Want more smack, dope fiend?" If they say "Yes", he roundhouse kicks them in the face. If they say "No", he roundhouse kicks them in the face because they're lying. The treatment has a 385% success rate, which is mathematically impossible for everyone except Chuck Norris.

datamunk
10-05-2007, 22:45
Chuck Norris doesnt sleep with a night light at night because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

mwahahaha

Splitlip
10-05-2007, 23:04
you need one of these shirts.

http://www.kiberpipa.org/~mathjazz/shirtCN.png

http://www.lushtshirts.co.uk/images/products/chuck_norris_do.jpg

That's Great!
I once had a WWCND bracelet. I was trying to find it to post a pic. Logged on to tell about it and was BEATEN to the PUNCH!

Splitlip
10-05-2007, 23:15
Now now...I like Segal!

Segal couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag without a sock and a pool ball! http://my.opera.com/community/graphics/smilies/norris.gif

No but he might "bitch slap" his way out of one.

DivingsInMyBlood
10-05-2007, 23:51
Anyone remember that early 90's movie with chuck norris in called sidekicks? when he kicks that guy in the face for shouting chuck norris?... CHUCK NORRIS? :smilie39:

Bigg_Budd
10-10-2007, 16:30
Chuck Norris Dosnt T-Bag He potato Sacks.

thor
10-10-2007, 16:59
Chuck Norris as super mario bros video game


http://www.puffgames.com/chuck_norris_world/

kyfriedchipper
10-10-2007, 17:05
My faves: The main export of Chuck Norris is fear; Chuck Norris decided to bottle his urine, today you and I know that drink to be Red Bull; Underneath Chuck Norris' beard is another fist.

Bigg_Budd
10-10-2007, 18:00
Chuck Norris as super mario bros video game


http://www.puffgames.com/chuck_norris_world/

That game kicks ass.

RoadRacer1978
10-10-2007, 19:32
LOL, This game is funny.

Splitlip
10-10-2007, 20:27
Chuck Norris Dosnt T-Bag He potato Sacks.
:smilie39:

Bigg_Budd
10-11-2007, 09:11
Chuck Norris Dosnt T-Bag He potato Sacks.
:smilie39:

Yeah. It's my new personal favorite...

The Dallas Stars have a billboard campaign all around the city. One of them says: "The Dallas Stars. The only thing tougher than Chuck Norris..." Although I disagree, I still laughed pretty hard.

That being said...

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it’s f*cking beef.

Splitlip
10-22-2007, 21:04
Chuck Norris doesn't have to vote. He is the electoral college.
Chuck Norris invented democracy.
Chuck Norris doesn't vote elected leaders. He appoints them.
Chuck Norris doesn't leave chads dimpled or hanging. He violates the laws of thermodynamics by pushing them out of existence with a stylus.

scubaherald
10-22-2007, 22:48
Chuck Norris is ok... but McGyver has much better buoyancy control :D

loudgonzo
10-23-2007, 08:36
Chuck Norris is ok... but McGyver has much better buoyancy control :D
:smiley21:


Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked McGyver in the face in the face while he was doing his safety stop, then cut his air hose with just 2 fingers.

Splitlip
10-23-2007, 10:51
Chuck Norris Dosnt T-Bag He potato Sacks.

Budd, this kills me everytime!

I keep getting the visual.:smiley36:

It is worth bumping it again,

Bigg_Budd
10-23-2007, 18:06
Chuck Norris Dosnt T-Bag He potato Sacks.

Budd, this kills me everytime!

I keep getting the visual.:smiley36:

It is worth bumping it again,


Roger that amigo. The visual is nothing less than awesome...

RoadRacer1978
10-23-2007, 18:53
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…
The only thing fear has to fear is Chuck Norris...

The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type “Chuck Norris” into Google and hit “I’m Feeling Lucky!”.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.

Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more “humane”.

Bigg_Budd
10-27-2007, 08:45
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

Bigg_Budd
10-30-2007, 10:37
If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results.

franksrq
11-05-2007, 21:15
- when chuch dives with great whites, they show up in cages.
- chuck norris doesnt carry a bang stick, he cuts the crotch out of his wetsuit and gets arroused
- chuck's ejaculate can blows holes through dolphins
- chuck norris round house kicks the water, chum is produced
- when chuck norris penetrates a wreck he doesnt ask for permission and never calls the next day
- chuck norris dove bikini atoll as a shore dive from san diego

franksrq
11-05-2007, 21:37
- a gun loaded with a bullet that has the words "chuck norris" enscribed on it will never run out of ammo.

riopenguino
11-09-2007, 14:31
Chuck norris does not use a BCD he determines how bouyant the water makes him

Bigg_Budd
11-12-2007, 15:36
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f*cking Indian.

Bigg_Budd
11-27-2007, 22:12
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

det4220
12-06-2007, 08:51
A police officer once pulled Chuck over for speeding. When the officer approached the vehicle and realized it was Chuck, he knew he had made a mistake since Chuck just stands still and the world revolves around him. Chuck was nice enough to let the officer off with a verbal warning.

BuzzF117
12-06-2007, 15:59
When the boogie man goes to bed he has to check for Chuck Norris in his closet...

mike_s
12-07-2007, 11:47
You guys haven't seen the latest Chuck Norris commercial have you.

This is not a joke, it's real. This is a real commerical

YouTube - HuckChuckFacts (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjYv2YW6azE)

loudgonzo
12-07-2007, 11:55
You guys haven't seen the latest Chuck Norris commercial have you.

This is not a joke, it's real. This is a real commerical

YouTube - HuckChuckFacts (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjYv2YW6azE)

that is awesome.

Splitlip
12-07-2007, 16:47
You guys haven't seen the latest Chuck Norris commercial have you.

This is not a joke, it's real. This is a real commerical

YouTube - HuckChuckFacts (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjYv2YW6azE)

:smiley32:

Bigg_Budd
12-08-2007, 08:21
Pure brilliance. Does anyone know if Chuck killed anyone during the filming of that commercial?

scubajane
12-08-2007, 19:40
please don't hurt me...I really don't know and I'd like to know why you compare him to Chuck Norris... who Is Fred Bauer?? please post a picture if you have one...

by the way can I get an 8 x 10 of Chuck and Barney??

Bigg_Budd
12-09-2007, 10:27
please don't hurt me...I really don't know and I'd like to know why you compare him to Chuck Norris... who Is Fred Bauer?? please post a picture if you have one...

by the way can I get an 8 x 10 of Chuck and Barney??

I don't know who Fred Bauer is, but Jack Bauer is the wimpy baby boy from the series 24. And he cannot be compared to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.

adv_diver1
12-09-2007, 11:03
Chuck Norris just endorsed Huckabee for President.

BoomerNJ
12-09-2007, 13:46
I think it is in everyone's best interest just to let Chuck cast his one vote for Huckabee & be done with it...

adv_diver1
12-09-2007, 13:56
Yes, probably.

adv_diver1
12-09-2007, 21:35
You dont think Chuck is getting cenile do you?? No, that cant' be possible... HE 's CHUCK "F-ing" NORRIS!!!

Bigg_Budd
12-16-2007, 10:41
When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken. But he only eats its soul.

Garrobo
12-18-2007, 10:08
Who is Chuck Norris?

Clanggedin
12-18-2007, 10:41
When Chuck Norris goes to sleep he checks under his bed for Randy Couture.

www.randycouturefacts.com (http://www.randycouturefacts.com/)

Bigg_Budd
12-18-2007, 18:50
Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.

Splitlip
12-18-2007, 18:59
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.

Splitlip
12-18-2007, 19:06
There is a disclaimer in the Guiness book record that Chuck Norris holds all records. The footnote says that all hte other's listed are simply the closest anybody else has gotten.

Splitlip
12-18-2007, 19:07
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong to a "who has the most testicals contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

loudgonzo
12-18-2007, 19:25
Chuck Norris once round house kicked Jean Claude Van Damme in the chin, for the next week, everyone in Belgium had sore jaws.

BhamFAL
12-18-2007, 21:47
Chuck Norris invented split fins, he started the day with a regular fin but it split with his first kick.....

torrey
12-19-2007, 08:23
Chuck Norris invented split fins, he started the day with a regular fin but it split with his first kick.....

Pretty good for your first post. :smiley32:

Bigg_Budd
12-19-2007, 18:27
A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.

BoomerNJ
12-20-2007, 04:31
A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.

Damn, I always thought it was the water trying to hide from Chuck that caused it...

Bigg_Budd
12-21-2007, 18:48
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

JahJahwarrior
12-22-2007, 07:33
Chuck Norris, despite all of his amazing abilities, cannot take a joke. (only a life, perhaps?!?) ;)

Chuck Norris sues, says his tears no cancer cure - Yahoo! News (http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20071222/wr_nm/norris_lawsuit_dc;_ylt=AuRtDel9uPtmV_zQDNph5o5k24c A)

Bigg_Budd
12-22-2007, 07:43
Chuck Norris, despite all of his amazing abilities, cannot take a joke. (only a life, perhaps?!?) ;)

Chuck Norris sues, says his tears no cancer cure - Yahoo! News (http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20071222/wr_nm/norris_lawsuit_dc;_ylt=AuRtDel9uPtmV_zQDNph5o5k24c A)

OK, I'm confused. Why is he suing? Why wouldn't he simply deliver a roundhouse kick to their heads?

Bigg_Budd
12-23-2007, 13:07
Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.

loudgonzo
01-03-2008, 10:45
Chuck Norris, despite all of his amazing abilities, cannot take a joke. (only a life, perhaps?!?) ;)

Chuck Norris sues, says his tears no cancer cure - Yahoo! News (http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20071222/wr_nm/norris_lawsuit_dc;_ylt=AuRtDel9uPtmV_zQDNph5o5k24c A)

OK, I'm confused. Why is he suing? Why wouldn't he simply deliver a roundhouse kick to their heads?

Did Chuck roundhouse kick himself in the head? I remember him on "The Best Damned Sports Show" reading some of these jokes himself.

torrey
01-03-2008, 12:40
I bet it has something to do with his political endorsement. I'm sure some jerk told him he needed to do this if he was going to be taken seriously.

loudgonzo
01-03-2008, 12:49
Chuck Norris, despite all of his amazing abilities, cannot take a joke. (only a life, perhaps?!?) ;)

Chuck Norris sues, says his tears no cancer cure - Yahoo! News (http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20071222/wr_nm/norris_lawsuit_dc;_ylt=AuRtDel9uPtmV_zQDNph5o5k24c A)

OK, I'm confused. Why is he suing? Why wouldn't he simply deliver a roundhouse kick to their heads?


I bet it has something to do with his political endorsement. I'm sure some jerk told him he needed to do this if he was going to be taken seriously.

Didn't he do a TV ad with some of these jokes?

mike_s
01-03-2008, 14:13
Didn't he do a TV ad with some of these jokes?


See post #108

Darth Fishhead
01-04-2008, 12:20
Chuck Norris doesn't sue, he kicks those who have wronged him so hard that their ancestors are removed from the time/space continuum.

FOUNDATIONER
01-04-2008, 13:34
I just wish they would do Chuck VS Alien VS Predator so we
could get rid of Alien and Predator already:smiley11:

Bigg_Budd
01-04-2008, 13:41
I just wish they would do Chuck VS Alien VS Predator so we
could get rid of Alien and Predator already:smiley11:

That movie would only be 30 seconds long...

Bigg_Budd
01-06-2008, 10:33
My god: YouTube - Honda Ridgeline "Meets - Chuck Norris" (http://youtube.com/watch?v=0mg8EMmOWQI)

Goober
01-06-2008, 10:44
My god: YouTube - Honda Ridgeline "Meets - Chuck Norris" (http://youtube.com/watch?v=0mg8EMmOWQI)

!....Eyes did not see........must....block.....out

divingchef
01-06-2008, 11:30
I donīt know man.....seems sort of ...like....my god man, make another movie......how do you say "sell-out" in spanish?

Goober
01-06-2008, 11:36
I donīt know man.....seems sort of ...like....my god man, make another movie......how do you say "sell-out" in spanish?


Uhmn....Chuck Norris.....? Best Guess

St.jimmy
01-21-2008, 21:02
Chuck Norris needs no Second Stage. He simply bites on an SPG.

Gombessa
01-22-2008, 11:09
Lol. Chuck Norris don't need no hose. He merely bites the valve off and in one big inhale implodes the tank like a coke can.

torrey
01-30-2008, 14:13
Have you guys seen this one? Hilarious!

Follow these steps:
1. Go to Google's main page.
2. Enter "find chuck norris" without the quotes.
3. Click "I'm Feeling Lucky."

thor
01-30-2008, 14:15
Have you guys seen this one? Hilarious!

Follow these steps:
1. Go to Google's main page.
2. Enter "find chuck norris" without the quotes.
3. Click "I'm Feeling Lucky."



So true.. So true.

Bigg_Budd
01-30-2008, 16:33
awesome...

Bigg_Budd
02-04-2008, 18:36
There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.

RoyN
02-05-2008, 01:49
Nah, no thanks on Chuck Norris.

Super-Duper Scubasteve
02-05-2008, 06:15
I meet Chuck and I got him to sign a mountain dew can. My personal favorite chuck norris joke is "Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer, to bad he's never cried."

Bigg_Budd
02-05-2008, 13:02
I meet Chuck and I got him to sign a mountain dew can. My personal favorite chuck norris joke is "Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer, to bad he's never cried."

Sell me the can...

mike_s
02-05-2008, 14:49
So I get a phone call the other night and guess what.... It's Chuck Norris.

No I'm not kidding..... It's really him...


ok... it was a recording of Chuck Norris trying to get me to vote for Mike Huckabilly. I have to admit a listed to a little of it before I hung up on it....

I wonder if he actually dialed my number of just scared the phone into submission to call me? :rofl:

RoyN
02-05-2008, 16:20
Makes me wonder if Bruce Lee was still alive, he probably be acting with Chucky already. :D

fire diver
02-07-2008, 11:46
Have you guys seen this one? Hilarious!

Follow these steps:
1. Go to Google's main page.
2. Enter "find chuck norris" without the quotes.
3. Click "I'm Feeling Lucky."

That is freakin hilarious!!

torrey
02-07-2008, 12:16
Makes me wonder if Bruce Lee was still alive, he probably be acting with Chucky already. :D

I'm not sure if you're joking or not, but they were in at least 2 movies together that I know of...Way of the Dragon & Game of Death. Of course, Chuck was nice enough to allow Bruce to be the star of both movies.

edit: You can see the fight scene from Way/Return of the Dragon here (http://www.milkandcookies.com/link/55805/detail/)!

RoyN
02-07-2008, 12:25
I'm not sure if you're joking or not, but they were in at least 2 movies together that I know of...Way of the Dragon & Game of Death. Of course, Chuck was nice enough to allow Bruce to be the star of both movies.

edit: You can see the fight scene from Way/Return of the Dragon here (http://www.milkandcookies.com/link/55805/detail/)!

Way of the Dragon is classic!

What I was pondering was had Bruce Lee live on, both of them would make another movie together, but this time, both are the good guys. :D Wouldn't that be cool?

torrey
02-07-2008, 12:33
I'm not sure if you're joking or not, but they were in at least 2 movies together that I know of...Way of the Dragon & Game of Death. Of course, Chuck was nice enough to allow Bruce to be the star of both movies.

edit: You can see the fight scene from Way/Return of the Dragon here (http://www.milkandcookies.com/link/55805/detail/)!

Way of the Dragon is classic!

What I was pondering was had Bruce Lee live on, both of them would make another movie together, but this time, both are the good guys. :D Wouldn't that be cool?

They should have been the stars of the arcade-to-screen movie Double Dragon!

RoyN
02-07-2008, 12:36
They should have been the stars of the arcade-to-screen movie Double Dragon!

:smilie39:

Arnold Schwarzenegg should have been the bad guy!

Bigg_Budd
02-11-2008, 06:47
An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it sounds AWESOME.

Suther2136
02-12-2008, 11:30
Have you guys seen this one? Hilarious!

Follow these steps:
1. Go to Google's main page.
2. Enter "find chuck norris" without the quotes.
3. Click "I'm Feeling Lucky."

That is freakin hilarious!!

Than's a good one. My sons is a big fan, he'll love it.

KGNickl
02-12-2008, 11:43
Have you guys seen this one? Hilarious!

Follow these steps:
1. Go to Google's main page.
2. Enter "find chuck norris" without the quotes.
3. Click "I'm Feeling Lucky."

That is freakin hilarious!!

Than's a good one. My sons is a big fan, he'll love it.
Is this work safe?

torrey
02-12-2008, 12:04
Is this work safe?

yeah, no worries.

hoobascooba
02-12-2008, 13:01
Chuck Norris doesn't consider it sex if the woman survives.

Everything Chuck Norris eats evaporates to nothing instantly because it's a fact that his digestive system is made of a small black hole.

Chuck Norris can lick his own elbow.

Chuck Norris can't die, because he's not accepted into Heaven or Hell.

axeman207
02-15-2008, 12:29
This thread has been a hoot! 90%+ of all porty johns over here in Iraq have at least one Chuck Norris-ism in it....and now I read most of them here on a scuba site....priceless!!


Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water....AND make it drink!

MicahEW
02-15-2008, 15:59
The matrix just recreates what chuch norris can actually do.

KGNickl
02-15-2008, 20:47
I don't think I can ever get sick of these. They are hilarious! Been a year or since I looked at them before this thread!

Bigg_Budd
02-17-2008, 19:40
Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.

bassplayer
02-19-2008, 10:40
-
-Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer, except Chuck Norris never cries.


This is too good, I luv it, now stop my sides are killing me :smilie39:

Dave

bassplayer
02-19-2008, 11:16
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

torrey
02-20-2008, 11:45
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

that's great :smiley20:

edit: wait, your very first post was a Chuck Norris post? Chuck would be proud.

thor
02-20-2008, 12:03
Only two out three dentists prefer Trident Sugarless Gum, because Chuck Norris knocked all of the teeth out of the third Dentist's mouth after forgetting to give Chuck Norris a thank-you wave.

EuphoriaII
03-03-2008, 13:18
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you CAN'T see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds from death.



I once went to the Bahamas for a Chuck Norris dive. They chummed the waters with Steven Segal.

rye_a
03-03-2008, 13:45
I think my favorite is "They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take **** from anybody."

EuphoriaII
03-03-2008, 21:43
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Bigg_Budd
03-04-2008, 10:28
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Awesome.

Bigg_Budd
03-05-2008, 09:25
70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris' weight is his penis.

EuphoriaII
03-05-2008, 22:45
Chuck Norris is the world hot dog eating champion, because he ate that japanese guy and now wears his old belt.

torrey
03-10-2008, 11:40
It's Chuck's birthday today! Happy 68th!

Even the troops recognize Chuck:

Chuck Norris the only WMD in Iraq (http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080310/people_nm/iraq_norris_dc)

a highlight: "The fastest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist"

Makai
03-10-2008, 12:12
"Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter"?

Man, that's priceless!

EuphoriaII
03-11-2008, 14:22
Chuck Norris put his chocolate in your peanut butter...what are you going to do about it Mr. Reese?

Trey9123
03-12-2008, 23:00
Chuck Norrise's tears can heal any disease or injury. Too bad Chuck Norris has never cried.

MicahEW
03-12-2008, 23:18
"Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter"?

Man, that's priceless!


NICE! this is really priceless.

Bigg_Budd
03-14-2008, 13:55
For Spring Break '05, Chuck Norris drove to Madagascar, riding a chariot pulled by two electric eels.

divergirl
03-15-2008, 22:47
aahha I absolutely love these

Grassyknoll
03-29-2008, 00:51
The wind does not blow, it runs from Chuck.
Chuck only sells the Total Gym in order to create more worthy oponents.
Chuck once roundhouse kicked his own shadow.
Chuck Norris has been to the moon..........on foot.
Chuck can't get through security because of his brass b*lls, all 12 of them.
Chuck knows CPR, so he can kill you again.
Just For Men wanted Chuck as a spokesman, but Chuck can't dye.
Chuck Norris can't have children, his sperm don't penetrate the egg they roundhouse kick it.
The speed of objects is measured against the speed of light, light is measured against the speed of Chuck.
Chucks' favorite charity is supporting orphans, after all he created them.

nashwl
04-20-2008, 09:23
Love these ones.

The Great White dying from a Chuck Norris attack was a new one for me. Great stuff!

EuphoriaII
04-20-2008, 10:41
The Sahara desert used to be the Sahara mountains. Until Chuck Norris practiced his roundhouse kicks there.

Bigg_Budd
04-26-2008, 11:33
Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he f*cking kills people.

Penguino
04-26-2008, 14:40
This has to be the greatest thread/debate ever...

fire diver
04-26-2008, 16:04
Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he f*cking kills people.

Yeah, but so do I. I'll call that one a draw.

Bigg_Budd
05-02-2008, 12:36
Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women.

thor
05-02-2008, 13:43
This is pretty funny. A Chuck Norris Game

Scuba Gear and Scuba Diving Equipment - Discount dive gear (Cheap online!) (http://www.puffgames.com/chuck_norris_world/)

EuphoriaII
05-02-2008, 23:34
Have you guys seen this one? Hilarious!

Follow these steps:
1. Go to Google's main page.
2. Enter "find chuck norris" without the quotes.
3. Click "I'm Feeling Lucky."

That is just freaking AWESOME

nashwl
05-02-2008, 23:53
You don't find Chuck Norris, Chuck finds you.


Run, before he finds you.

dinger340
05-03-2008, 00:06
Chuck Norris went to Burger King, ordered a Big Mac and got one...

DaneMeyer20
05-22-2008, 14:45
Cuck Norris is suing MySpace for the name of what he calls everything around you

Splitlip
05-22-2008, 17:28
Chuck Norris went to Burger King, ordered a Big Mac and got one...
That's the greatest.:smiley20:

Splitlip
06-07-2008, 22:30
The devil went down to Georgia...because Chuck Norris kicked him out of hell.

Chuck Norris does not chew gum. He chews aluminum foil.

If you had $5.00 and Chuck Norris had $5.00...Chuck Norris would have more money than you.

There is no such thing as a lesbian. Only women who have not met Chuck Norris.

DaneMeyer20
06-12-2008, 15:47
CHuck Norris does not sleep, he waits

Charles R
06-12-2008, 15:49
CHuck Norris does not sleep, he waits

I think its Chuck not CHuck I guess we all make mistakes.
:smilie39:J/K

Bigg_Budd
06-12-2008, 16:12
CHuck Norris does not sleep, he waits

I think its Chuck not CHuck I guess we all make mistakes.
:smilie39:J/K

It doesn't matter. Either way, he'll kill you.

Daz
06-12-2008, 16:29
CHuck Norris does not sleep, he waits

I think its Chuck not CHuck I guess we all make mistakes.
:smilie39:J/K
Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.

DaneMeyer20
06-12-2008, 16:37
lol at charles...hehe

Vercingetorix
06-13-2008, 16:43
True story:
Walker, Texas Ranger was filmed near Dallas at studios called the The Studios at Las Colinas. I went on a studio tour and the guide mentioned that a few months earlier, another large tour group were walking from one building to another. Chuck Norris was between scenes and noticed the guide was struggling trying to keep the rather large group together. So, he went to the guide, who was holding a door open for the group, and held it open himself, so that the guide could quickly move to the front of the group that had already passed.

He later mentioned to the guide that nobody recognized him. Not one.

Daz
06-13-2008, 17:58
People don't recognize Chuck Norris unless Chuck Norris wants them to recognize him.

Vercingetorix
06-16-2008, 08:13
- You don't exist. Chuck Norris imagined you.

Crimediver
06-16-2008, 21:37
True story:
Walker, Texas Ranger was filmed near Dallas at studios called the The Studios at Las Colinas. I went on a studio tour and the guide mentioned that a few months earlier, another large tour group were walking from one building to another. Chuck Norris was between scenes and noticed the guide was struggling trying to keep the rather large group together. So, he went to the guide, who was holding a door open for the group, and held it open himself, so that the guide could quickly move to the front of the group that had already passed.

He later mentioned to the guide that nobody recognized him. Not one.
Only because Chuck did not roundhouse kick them over the threshold at twice the speed of light...

Bigg_Budd
06-30-2008, 22:50
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

JimHar99
07-01-2008, 08:43
A friend of mine used to look like Chuck Norris. At work they would kid him and when he walked by they would say "Walker, Texas ranger".

Then he shaved his beard and he had a slight resemblence to Rick Moranis. Then when he walked by, the guys at work started saying "Honey, I shrunk the kids".

What a change, from "Walker, Texas ranger" to "Honey, I shrunk the kids". BTW, he grew the beard back.

LRDWILDER
07-01-2008, 10:56
Chuck Norris took a bubble gum wrapper a match and a swiss army knife and built McGuiver!

torrey
07-01-2008, 12:38
A friend of mine used to look like Chuck Norris. At work they would kid him and when he walked by they would say "Walker, Texas ranger".

Then he shaved his beard and he had a slight resemblence to Rick Moranis. Then when he walked by, the guys at work started saying "Honey, I shrunk the kids".

What a change, from "Walker, Texas ranger" to "Honey, I shrunk the kids". BTW, he grew the beard back.

I thought this was a Deep Thought quote at first...but I couldn't find the punchline. :smiley36:

LRDWILDER
07-01-2008, 13:49
Chuck Norris doesn't pee......The reason he gave when asked was "Nothing escapes Chuck Norris!"

Chuck Norris doesn't push up....He pushes the world down.

Bigg_Budd
07-01-2008, 23:15
When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.

Bigg_Budd
07-08-2008, 10:35
Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.

Joe L
07-10-2008, 12:31
Funny Stuff. LOL

Bigg_Budd
07-25-2008, 19:35
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

Largo
07-25-2008, 19:47
Factual difference between 'Jack Bauer' and Chuck Norris.

Keifer Sutherland's dad protested Vietnam (not that there is anything wrong, etc).

Chuck Norris moved to Korea to learn how fight better.

Bigg_Budd
07-25-2008, 21:32
Chuck Norris' dick is so big, it has it's own dick, and it's dick is bigger than yours..

Splitlip
07-25-2008, 21:43
Chuck Norris' dick is so big, it has it's own dick, and it's dick is bigger than yours..

Are you talking about me? There is no one else here, so you must be talking about me!
:smilie39:

NeveSSL
07-26-2008, 04:28
My own creation:

Chuck Norris doesn't need a machine gun. He has a fully automatic round house.

Vercingetorix
07-26-2008, 06:44
Are you talking about me? There is no one else here, so you must be talking about me!
Feeling a little insecure, are we?:smiley36:

Let me introduce you to Enzite Bob...

Bigg_Budd
08-02-2008, 07:28
The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.

Splitlip
08-02-2008, 07:40
The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.
:smilie39:

Bert
08-02-2008, 10:43
The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.

And here I thought it refered to the effects of a roundhouse kick(with the rest of your body catching up)

Rileybri
08-02-2008, 11:31
There is not theory of evolution, just the animals Chuck Noris lets live!

Bigg_Budd
08-09-2008, 04:30
In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.

trekkindave
08-15-2008, 06:44
Its said that Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer... its too bad Chuck Norris will never cry

Skred
08-15-2008, 08:27
Chuck Norris' dog cleans up his own poop, cause Chuck takes @#%& from no one!:smiley36::smiley36:

csterling95
08-15-2008, 08:35
chuck would shoot an underwater missle while wearing scuba gear...

mike_s
08-15-2008, 10:06
http://i226.photobucket.com/albums/dd200/uwhunter01/whoopass.jpg

Bigg_Budd
08-25-2008, 08:58
When Chuck Noriss cuts in line, the line bleeds...

Bonus: if Chuck Norris is running late, time better slow the f*ck down…

Warren
08-25-2008, 10:54
This is one of the funniest threads I've ever read! :smiley36:

frozenwarp
08-25-2008, 11:22
Chuck Norris has taken the virginity of everygirl he's slept with.... And he'll take youras too...... I know I know your saying he cant im not a virgin...thats what u think....everyone is till chucks done with em

Bigg_Budd
08-27-2008, 02:52
Chuck once visited The Virgin Islands. When he left, they were just called The Islands....

Jord
08-27-2008, 23:23
^ That was a good one :P

Jesus walks on water. Chuck Norris walks on Jesus.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
Chuck Norris can play hide and seek with himself.

mrbheagney
08-31-2008, 17:25
Why does Chuck have no hair on his balls, cos hair doesn't grown on titanium.

mike_s
09-03-2008, 15:44
http://media.ebaumsworld.com/picture/dan_richard13/Chuck_Norris_Was_Here.jpg



Chuck Norris's Toliet Paper

http://accordionguy.blogware.com/Photos/2006/05/chuck_norris_toilet_paper.jpg

mike_s
09-12-2008, 10:50
this is too damn funny not to share.....


The best Chuck Norris fact, ever! (http://justinbuck.********.com/2008/01/best-chuck-norris-fact-ever.html)


Today's Chuck Norris FACT:
Two cowboys and Chuck Norris were sitting around a campfire out on the lonesome prairie. A night of their tall tales begins. The first cowboy says, "I'm the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands." The second cowboy can't stand to be outdone. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp." Chuck Norris remained silent, ......slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

bubble-head
09-12-2008, 12:23
Before the boogie man goes to bed he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.


Also my favorite

loudgonzo
10-08-2008, 07:50
The economy is in a world of crap, the past month has been extremely turbulent, which is also the about the same amount of time since the last reply to this thread.


When Chuck Norris takes a month off, the world falls apart.

Bigg_Budd
06-10-2009, 20:11
Every piece of furniture in Chuck's house is a total gym.

Scubling
06-30-2009, 08:34
Chuck Norris is in the desert when he runs into a 15 ft long black mamba. After 5 days of agozining pain the black mamba dies.

Bigg_Budd
08-30-2009, 15:27
chuck norris f*cked your wife while you were out of town on a business trip. tough sh!t.

loudgonzo
09-08-2009, 07:48
Chuck Norris won a staring contest against Medusa.

navyhmc
09-08-2009, 20:29
Who cares about Chuck. I have a new hero: YouTube - "Weird Al" Yankovic - CNR (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IrGmD2wk8m4)

GFD113
09-08-2009, 21:13
this is too damn funny not to share.....


The best Chuck Norris fact, ever! (http://justinbuck.********.com/2008/01/best-chuck-norris-fact-ever.html)


Today's Chuck Norris FACT:
Two cowboys and Chuck Norris were sitting around a campfire out on the lonesome prairie. A night of their tall tales begins. The first cowboy says, "I'm the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands." The second cowboy can't stand to be outdone. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp." Chuck Norris remained silent, ......slowly stirring the coals with his penis.


:smilie39::smilie39::smilie39::smilie39::smilie39: :smilie39::smilie39:

GFD113
09-08-2009, 21:39
Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.

GFD113
09-08-2009, 21:43
Chuck Norris once had a near death experience. Needless to say, Death now refuses to come near him.