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View Full Version : Another one for the Darwin Awards



RoadRacer1978
11-08-2007, 18:41
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their
anniversary submitted this :

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be
short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea
is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun -----adequate time
to retreat to safety. -----------WAY TOO COOL!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button
AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know
it was working. Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what
that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone
with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad
with only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my
cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading
the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on
a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping
Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such
a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect
herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am
I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed
to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish
out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.
So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
one side as to say, 'don't do it,' reasoning that a one-second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to
give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD,
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a
taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-... that
hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left,
sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the
mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right
thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it
had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm
still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return.
Still in shock, Earl

BoomerNJ
11-08-2007, 19:42
:smilie39::smilie39::smilie39::smilie39::smilie39: That is the funniest thing I've read in a long time!!!!!!

Anne Eastwell
11-08-2007, 19:52
Deserves a Darwin Award!!! :smilie39:

kenmendes
11-08-2007, 20:52
That is funny

Scuba Steve
11-08-2007, 20:58
That's awesome...pure comedy. Hope he's okay.

:smilie39::smilie39::smilie39::smilie39::smilie39:

mike_s
11-08-2007, 21:17
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their
anniversary submitted this :

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt
pocket/purse-sized taser.


Somehow I really believe this is real.

Why? Because where I live, the biggest gun show around is, guess what... "Larry's Pistol & Pawn" and they sell stuff like this...

I can also see some folks here trying that....


where's Jeff Foxworthy when you need him with his catchphrase...

RoadRacer1978
11-08-2007, 21:22
I wouldn't be suprised at all if it were real. I've done some pretty dumb things in my life, but not quite this dumb. :)

BuzzGA
11-08-2007, 22:24
That's too funny...and probably is real...he's got my vote

kyfriedchipper
11-09-2007, 00:04
My buddys and I used to put on dog bark shock collars for "fun" back in the day - man those things hurt -and that's a really small battery too!

mitsuguy
11-09-2007, 00:31
I wouldn't be suprised at all if it were real. I've done some pretty dumb things in my life, but not quite this dumb. :)

ya know... although I don't love pain, I'm not too afraid of it either...

I'd probably come real close to pulling the trigger just to see as well...

what good is a new toy if you can't play with it :)

awap
11-09-2007, 08:36
What we should all learn from this is - cats are good for something.

scubaculture
11-09-2007, 08:45
Back in my high school days we used to all head to a friends dairy farm and take turns holding on to the electric fence to see who could hold on the longest. Young and stupid I guess, but what is it about electricity that makes it soooo funny.

mitsuguy
11-09-2007, 08:59
Back in my high school days we used to all head to a friends dairy farm and take turns holding on to the electric fence to see who could hold on the longest. Young and stupid I guess, but what is it about electricity that makes it soooo funny.

back in the day when my parents had a farm, the way to tell if the fence was on or not was to simply touch it...

I found the top side of the arm is the easiest and toughest skin...

Steve Scuba
11-09-2007, 09:33
Back when I was very young, but thought I knew what I was doing, I shorted the contacts on a 220 volt well pump relay. Now, I did not get the direct contact, but the nimbus from the resulting "blast" knocked me on my butt and gave the shakes for quite a while (probably a lot from adrenalin more than the shock). I haven't really had the desire to go around shocking myself since that point.

h2odragon1
11-09-2007, 09:39
" Testicles nowhere to be found" thats the purpose of the Darwin Awards.

Defman
11-09-2007, 09:46
A former co-worker tested his taser on his wife's Chihuahua... says it jumped about 8 feet into the air and turned into a "$h!t bomb".

(PETA disclaimer: I do not condone these actions and, while very funny, are not appropriate behavior to our animal friends.)

TxScubaBear
11-09-2007, 10:07
Man, this story is perfect!
Years ago, after I had gotten held up at gunpoint, my boss decides to get me one, just in case (tried to tell him this against 3 -9mm pistols that were looking at me were no match), but to humor him I carried it anyway in it's neat little cordura belt clip case.
I was running an errand to Irving one day and happened to lean partially towards the passenger door thus triggering the device that, little did I know, had one prong resting against the seat belt buckle that in effect was grounded against me. ONE prong, one would think "ok, half the voltage" right? HE** no! Zapped the crap out of me anyway, same scenario, felt like Arnie the Terminator came at me and played basketball with me. Shows to go ya, ya gotta be careful even when just carrying the darned things!

Navy OnStar
11-09-2007, 11:17
Anyone ever have the "joy" of being pepper sprayed????? I would rather be hit with a taser! At least the taser doesn't last for 4 hours!

OnStar

NAVY = Never Again Volunteer Yourself

mitsuguy
11-09-2007, 11:32
Anyone ever have the "joy" of being pepper sprayed????? I would rather be hit with a taser! At least the taser doesn't last for 4 hours!

OnStar

NAVY = Never Again Volunteer Yourself

pepper spray really isn't that bad...

now, true mace, the old school stuff, before pepper spray - now that stuff felt deadly... we had a can of it blow up in a fist fight at my parents nightclub years ago... just being in the area was horrible...

Navy OnStar
11-09-2007, 11:52
pepper spray really isn't that bad...

The stuff the military uses is........especially across the eyes. And water only makes it worse!!!!

mitsuguy
11-09-2007, 11:55
pepper spray really isn't that bad...

The stuff the military uses is........especially across the eyes. And water only makes it worse!!!!

quite possibly more similar to the mace I was exposed to years ago...

milk had some soothing effects, but not much...

PsychDiver
11-09-2007, 12:28
Ok - I can see this happening. I am an adverturous type and can see myself (when I was younger and not so smart) doing it. How funny! The discription of the event is what makes it so hilarious.

RoadRacer1978
11-09-2007, 16:53
pepper spray really isn't that bad...

The stuff the military uses is........especially across the eyes. And water only makes it worse!!!!

I've had the pleasure of being pepper sprayed with law enforcemnent pepper spary and gas through the military gas chamber using cs gas. I can say that both were horrible, but the effects of the cs wore off much faster. The pepper spray lasted for hours and reburned the next time I showered.:FIREdevil:

Navy OnStar
11-09-2007, 17:25
Exactly what I experienced. You think your starting to feel like it has worn off and you get in the shower and AHHHHHHHHHH................

SYOTABUCS
11-21-2007, 09:09
I bet Chuck uses one just for an alarm clock.

Ohio_diver16
11-22-2007, 01:35
What's funny about this is that I used to sell stun guns when I had my own business, and I've seen people do just that to themselves. So this just brings back memories of yore lol God I love the dumb things people do.

shadragon
11-28-2007, 11:09
To win the Darwin Award you have to die. Cute, but not silly enough...

Darwin Awards Web Site... (http://www.darwinawards.com/)

Mtrewyn
11-28-2007, 11:45
Here is a link of a man doing this, while shotgunning a beer.

YouTube - Beer vs Taser (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yOxB9lDL8XU)

RoadRacer1978
11-28-2007, 12:08
Well, that guy was just plain silly. :)

People in the background were yelling do it again, but none of them were volunteering.

Kabniel
11-28-2007, 16:00
To win the Darwin Award you have to die. Cute, but not silly enough...

Darwin Awards Web Site... (http://www.darwinawards.com/)


I thought all you had to do was remove yourself from the gene pool, hence the stories of guys shooting their nuts off or impaling their nuts on fences/railings. makes you cringe either way :smiley5:

Goober
11-28-2007, 16:41
:smiley32:

shadragon
12-05-2007, 06:59
I thought all you had to do was remove yourself from the gene pool, hence the stories of guys shooting their nuts off or impaling their nuts on fences/railings. makes you cringe either way :smiley5:
That gets you a nomination, but to WIN you have to make it permanent. :smiley29:

navyhmc
12-05-2007, 08:36
pepper spray really isn't that bad...

The stuff the military uses is........especially across the eyes. And water only makes it worse!!!!


The worse I ever had to do was get a face (eye)ful of the stuff, do some knee strikes to a bag, run 20 yards elbow stirkes to another bag, 20 yards break through two guys with pads, run 50 yards, shoot 10 rounds of paint ball at a target 25 feet away and have to get 8 on the 3' target, if not do it all over again. Then a 30 second hand to hand and finally get to wash it out.

Did I mention that you're coughing, hacking puking and getting screamed at by the biggest meanest Gunny you'ld never want to meet?

My friends, Marines are the most evil cruel, wicked henious folks on this planet and I'm glad they're on our side.:smiley20:

1_T_Sub
12-13-2007, 21:10
OMG OK if that is fake it is great. LOFLMFAO

elijahb
05-24-2008, 09:29
Survival of the fittest

Charles R
05-24-2008, 10:13
:smilie39::smilie39:LOL:smilie39::smilie39:

sid101
05-27-2008, 18:43
Tasers and mace are just wrong they hurt liek hell BOTH when i was tased i couldnt move my left leg right for like 2 days and it would tingle for like 7 more days after that (i got a long discharge), the lacrimogen gas i gont into in a demonstration was awfull and hurted liek hours... but... if you really wanna feel the burn try going to a demonstration and have a stinger grenade go off 2 meters from you MAN one hit me in the face, one in one of my regiments and like 3 on my chest, the police came to arrest us and had to drag un to the cars cuz we couldnt even walk i stood bent like 3 hours before i realized i was in a cell that was hillarious!

USF_Diver
05-29-2008, 21:16
hah that was funny, and I think the tasers that shoot the barbs are even worse, but I don't care at all to find out.

Geoff_T
05-30-2008, 00:50
hah that was funny, and I think the tasers that shoot the barbs are even worse, but I don't care at all to find out.

Um yeah no thanks either. From what I undestand those can stop your heart if the barbs end up on either side of your chest.

thecheeseman
06-08-2008, 14:24
aahahahahahah that is great! thanks for a great story. smarts-some people loose theirs.


although, i must say, i probabally would have done the same....

DollFin
06-08-2008, 15:00
I was doing chair massage for a bachelorette party a while back. Long story short, it ended up being a bunch of drunken idiots, both male and female, and one genius had a tazer and was going around the room threatening to zap people with it. A couple of the girls there were getting a bit nervous, especially the one I happened to be working on, so I just looked at him and said in my most "don't test me on this" voice, "You come within 5 feet of my workspace with that thing and you will know what it feels like to be tazed in a VERY uncomfortable place". Frat boy got the hint and stayed out of my way.