Thinking of having kids? Parenting 101 test.

[thor]

Thinking of Having Kids?

> > Do this 15 step program first!
> >
> > Lesson 1
> > 1. Go to the grocery store.
> > 2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
> > 3. Go home.
> > 4. Pick up the paper.
> > 5. Read it for the last time.
> >
> > Lesson 2
> > Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already
> > are parents and berate them about their...
> > 1. Methods of discipline.
> > 2. Lack of patience.
> > 3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
> > 4. Allowing their children to run wild.
> > 5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding,
> > sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
> > Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have
> all the
> answers.
> >
> > Lesson 3
> > A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
> > 1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the
> living room
> > from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12
> > pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound)
> > playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
> > 2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and
> go to
> > sleep.
> > 3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag,
> until
> > 1AM.
> > 4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
> > 5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink
> and watch
> > an infomercial.
> > 6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
> > 7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
> > 8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
> > 9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard
> > and be productive)
> >
> > Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look
> cheerful and
> together.
> >
> > Lesson 4
> > Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...
> > 1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
> > 2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all
> > summer.
> > 3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
> > 4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
> > 5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
> > 6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons.
> How does
> > that look?
> >
> > Lesson 5
> > Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
> > 1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
> > 2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang
> > out.
> > Time allowed for this - all morning.
> >
> > Lesson 6
> > 1. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a jar of paint,
> turn it
> > into an alligator.
> > 2. Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper. Using only Scotch tape
> > and a piece of aluminum foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas
> candle.
> > 3. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty packet
> of Cocoa
> > Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
> >
> > Lesson 7
> > Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it
> > out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look
> like that.
> > 1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
> > Leave it there.
> > 2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
> > 3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the
> > back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them
> > with your foot.
> > 4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
> >
> > Lesson 8
> > 1. Get ready to go out.
> > 2. Sit on the floor of your bathroom reading picture books for half
> an hour.
> > 3. Go out the front door.
> > 4. Come in again. Go out.
> > 5. Come back in.
> > 6. Go out again.
> > 7. Walk down the front path.
> > 8. Walk back up it.
> > 9. Walk down it again.
> > 10. Walk very slowly down the sidewalk for five minutes.
> > 11. Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every
> cigarette
> butt,
> > piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.
> > 12. Retrace your steps.
> > 13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the
> neighbors
> > come out and stare at you.
> > 14. Give up and go back into the house.
> > You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
> >
> > Lesson 9
> > Repeat everything you have learned at least (if not more than) five
> times.
> >
> > Lesson 10
> > Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you
> can find
> > to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is also excellent). If you
> intend
> > to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one
> goat. Buy
> > your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.
> Pay for
> > everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily
> accomplish this,
> > do not even contemplate having children.
> >
> > Lesson 11
> > 1. Hollow out a melon.
> > 2. Make a small hole in the side.
> > 3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
> > 4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the
> > swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
> > 5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
> > 6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
> > You are now ready to feed a nine- month old baby.
> >
> > Lesson 12
> > Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney,
> Disney, the
> > Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney
> > channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking
> What's
> > "Noggin"?) Exactly the point.
> >
> > Lesson 13
> > Move to the tropics. Find or make a compost pile. Dig down about halfway
> > and stick your nose in it. Do this 3-5 times a day for at least two
> years.
> >
> > Lesson 14
> > Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying "mommy" repeatedly. (Important:
> > no more than a four second delay between each "mommy"; occasional
> crescendo to
> > the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car
> everywhere you
> > go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip
> with a
> toddler.
> >
> > Lesson 15
> > Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually
> > tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the
> "mommy" tape
> > made from Lesson 14 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with
> > an adult while there is a child in the room.

[Bigg_Budd]

The parenting test is only one step, not fifteen:

Step One - If you like sleeping, don't have kids.

There it is.

[divingchef]

I have two boys who live with their mom in Berlin, Germany....they are 10 and 7.....great kids......but this stuff is SOOOOO true......I´m sort of a telephone and email Dad right now, but the mental impressions of the events described in this "test" are a reality.....good stuff....

[thor]

Originally Posted by divingchef

......but this stuff is SOOOOO true......I´m sort of a telephone and email Dad right now, but the mental impressions of the events described in this "test" are a reality.....good stuff....

I gave this to my cousin who is expecting his first child, and he couldn't be convinced that this was truer than not.

[RoadRacer1978]

Funny stuff. Some of the things bring back memories and some I'm still suffering through. I've agot a 6 year old and a 3 year old. Life is tough, but oh so good.

[Matt P]

Dude! Where were you 19 months ago? Could have saved me lots of sleepless nights

Another test: go for weeks or months on end without any quality time with your spouse (wink wink nudge nudge).

[dallasdivergirl]

I call all those cute adorable little children that belong to other people birth control. Some people may think I am the crazy dog lady but I do get my sleep (most nights)

I just go borrow from my sister.

[FOUNDATIONER]

I love my children dearly, however the best part is when the
last one moves out. That was 2001. I've been to the
caribbean 10 times since then...and, they start buying YOU
christmas gifts

[Goober]

Originally Posted by Bigg_Budd

The parenting test is only one step, not fifteen:

Step One - If you like sleeping, don't have kids.

There it is.

Actually the test was more exhausting just to read than the kids. However, all joking aside. The most accurate statement I personaly could ever make about having a child, or children for the really bold is: As hard as you think it will be, you wind up wishing it was that easy.

[mm_dm]

Originally Posted by FOUNDATIONER

I love my children dearly, however the best part is when the last one moves out.

Ding Ding Ding Ding!!!

We have a winner!

"What are those marks on the calendar for, Daddy?"

"You'll understand when you're older"