Anyone out there own any of these tools?

[redsoxphan]

I own a few of them...

Subject: Tooz
I think there is acutally a safety message in this.

DRILL PRESS
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “Oh, sh –“
(yep, been there done that)

SKILL SAW
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
( I got one of these)

PLIERS
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
(some of these too)

BELT SANDER
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle… It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE GRIPS
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
(works everytime)

OXYACETYLENE TORCH
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race…

TABLE SAW
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
(oh ya)

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
(of course)

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.
(always)

UTILITY KNIFE
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund cheques, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON OF A B*TCH TOOL
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling “Son of a b*tch” at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
( I've got a box full of these)

[Aquatrax]

you're familiar with my work I see!

[Vercingetorix]

You may wish to include the "Jesus Clip". This is a steel retaining ring that, as you attempt to slip it onto a grooved shaft with retaining ring pliers, it suddenly slips and launches across the garage followed by "Jesus!!! Where'd it go?"

[Splitlip]

Great stuff!!

And dare I say, the women lurking here won't get it!

[Cheddarchick]

Hey!!! I not only get it......But I work with most of those tools......I think I resent that remark....LOL

[IrishSquid]

Originally Posted by Vercingetorix

You may wish to include the "Jesus Clip". This is a steel retaining ring that, as you attempt to slip it onto a grooved shaft with retaining ring pliers, it suddenly slips and launches across the garage followed by "Jesus!!! Where'd it go?"

(Retaining Ring Pliers) Do you mean "snap ring pliers"? Because they usually "snap" right at the nipple that inserts into the retaining ring, thus turning it into a Jesus Clip! I've also heard them called 'blood blister generators"

[snagel]

Yep, got every stinkin' one of them. I even have the You M&^%$$ F&^%$, I'm gonna kick your F%^% A%^, Jesus Christ Tool.

I have the knots on the head to prove it.

Snagel

[inventor]

Claw Hammer
Used primarily in construction to catch hold of a respirator face mask, and pull it to the fullest extension of the flexible straps, ensuring maximum return impact.

Saw it happen, I swear.

[Splitlip]

Originally Posted by Cheddarchick

Hey!!! I not only get it......But I work with most of those tools......I think I resent that remark....LOL

Ah, so you were lurking.

[SkuaSeptember]

And this leads us to the maxim that no job is complete until you bleed on it!