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Thread: End of the road.

  1. #11
    Barracuda
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    I'm not going to address the divorce/work on the marriage issue. I'm not qualified and we don't enough info.

    However, I have some experience as a divorce attorney (got out of the stuff a while ago - whew!) I can offer the following advice:

    If you thought that you needed a good relationship to get married, it's NOTHING like the relationship you'll need to get divorced.

    Agree on everything that you can agree upon, even if what you're agreeing to is "suboptimal." As to the stuff you can't agree on, agree to it anyway.

    Unless you're a Forbes, you won't be able to afford to fight. If you do (or if your not-soon-enough-to-be-ex spouse does), you'll end up broke and bitter and the lawyers will have all of your money.

    If you have kids, the above applies triple.

    Good luck!!
    - Fisheater

  2. #12
    Grouper
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    Amen brother. I went through an expensive, drawn out divorce 16 years ago. The only winners were the attorneys. I think her attorney sent his kid to Harvard on our retainer.

    One of my co-workers who was recently divorced asked me "do you know why getting divorced is so expensive?" the answer...because it's worth it!

    I don't know about that but the lesson I learned was not to get married so young. I now have a great wife and we just celebrated our 12th anniversary. I made a much better decision with a few years of life experience under my belt.

  3. #13
    Guppy
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    If you do end up deciding that divorce is the answer for you, be sure to separate your financial records as much as possible. My father's second ex has recked havic on his finanical score (forclosure procedings on a property with his name attached to it) and taxes (she didn't claim her alimony payments on her 1040 and thus the IRS disallowed the deduction on his).

  4. #14
    Grouper
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    Quote Originally Posted by kong View Post
    Thanks for all the advice. I'll give it a try and see how discussing our problems goes without bringing up anything about divorce.

    @Suther- The neglected part was meant as a joke. I'm really not all that materialistic. I spent the week before Christmas volunteering at my mom's church to help deliver food, toys, and presents to underprivileged families.

    The main reason we went on the cruise was to try to get away from home and have time to work through some of our issues, but we ended up not discussing any of them.
    Kong, Glad to hear it. You need to plan to have the discussion and have it. Like others have said, pick a time and place alone and have the conversation. The work part comes next. Owning up and taking the wrap, forgiving and being forgiven. Someone has to be big enough to start and swallow hard and try to get the healing going. I'm not qualified to really give any advice but you might try courting her all over again. I've done that with my wife. Bring her flowers for no reason, work (make a conscious effort) to find reasons to compliment her. Do things around the house without being asked. Like I said someone has to start. I would suggest sitting down with a church counselor, God can work wonders in your life if you let him in. Best of luck, it really is worth the effort. But be clear even after 25 years, there is no home free or easy street, it takes effort and desire from both parties.

  5. #15
    Grouper
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    Quote Originally Posted by kong View Post
    The main reason we went on the cruise was to try to get away from home and have time to work through some of our issues, but we ended up not discussing any of them.
    But I'm guessing you had lots of fun and there were at least a few moments when you were struck and remembered why you married her in the first place. Those moments are what you need to think about. Is that relationship and those feelings worth working to save?

  6. #16
    Guppy
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    Quote Originally Posted by Skred View Post

    But I'm guessing you had lots of fun and there were at least a few moments when you were struck and remembered why you married her in the first place. Those moments are what you need to think about. Is that relationship and those feelings worth working to save?
    We had fun but I don't remember feeling like that, which isn't good. I'll just take some time to decide on what we need to talk about and how to do it.

    Thanks for all the advice everyone. Hopefully it will all work out for the best.

  7. #17
    Grouper
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    "Warning - Warning Will Robinson" do not let her see this thread!!

    Agree with most of the other posters, you need to talk, marriage is HARD work, mistakes can be made but if it was worth getting married then it is worth trying to fix it.

    Good Luck
    Any dive you survive is a good dive

  8. #18
    Grouper
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    Good Luck

    No advice here. I would like to extend all the best to you and your spouse in hopes that the both of you work things out. As others have said earlier, marriage is hard work. I can vouch for that after 17 years and counting. My best friend asked me how I knew my wife was "The One" as we were coming home from my bachelor party. My answer was and is simple:

    My wife is the one who I want to wake up with to face the world and she's the one I want to go home to at the end of each day.

    Good luck.

  9. #19
    Grouper
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    Not every marriage is meant to be saved. If yours isn't, then be honest about it, and try to remember to treat her as you'd want to be treated. There's no point both of you being miserable for the rest of your lives working on something that isn't truly what's best for either of you. That being said, you don't have to trash whatever good memories you might have of your time together by making this an ugly nasty thing. Respect and honesty throughout the process is the most important thing.

  10. #20
    Grouper
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    Quote Originally Posted by chicken View Post
    Sit down and discuss it like adults. It is easier when everything is on the table and there are no dirty games being played. It is a very emotional time and somebody is going to get their feelings hurt. If it is that bad, both of you know it. Good luck.

    this is how I would want it.

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