Random Post. I'll have some whine with that.

[Splitlip]

So I come home early from an out door party. My daughter and her boyfriend were supposed to be out getting Sushi. ( I figure maybe that is what they call it these days so I decide I'll pop in early.)

Well I get in and they are doing 'homework". Hmmm. Then they tell me they are going to the sushi bar. Well I start being a dad and do all the right dad things. Ya know. Checking them out. (you guys with teenage daughters know what I mean.)

After all is said and done, they drive off in a black on black, blacked out German sports sedan with no badges. As I try to deal with it, I realize the dog has slipped out. Now the dog's GP, neurologist and chiropractor (yes that is right) have said he must have no strenuous activity for 14 days.

WELL CRAP! Where is the little ****?

He likes to go west through another subdivision which borders a huge preserve which runs from the ocean to the intracoastal water way. Well I grab a Mag Light and start jogging along the 6ft chain link fence bordering the preserve heading west. I figure there is no way this Pomeranian would ever cross into the preserve.

After about a 1/4 mile or so I hear an animal howling from the woods. "Pom-Pom" ( that's his name. I know), I shout at the top of my lungs. "I'm coming". I turn towards the sound. I charge like I am one of the 600. Crash. I crash head long into the 6 ft chain link fence. No Problem. I am Batman, have scaled a hundred of these and because it is Friday, I am wearing my Chucks (Converse All Stars). I step back, take a run for the fence and vault over. End up getting hung up like some Polish lady's laundry.

Eventually, I aknowledge the fact that I am no longer 15. Extricate myself and head off into the woods.

In the mean time, the howeling has stopped. I realize at this point that further search into the countless acres is futile. I know now that a panther, Bob Cat or bear has taken Pom-Pom.

The only thing left to do now is make up some story for my daughter. As I am spinning tales in my mind, I come up to the section of fence I had scaled earlier. I look at it. Then I say **** that. Take the long way home through the preserve entrance.

As I approach my house, I have this idea about dogs going off into the woods when they know they are going to die. I start doing the math, thinking about how much money I wil save with the doggie neurologist and doggie chiropractor alone. All of a sudden I am not missing the little **** so much.

I'll be damned. I get into the garage, and the **** is there. Waiting for his treat! Then I realize I have lost my keys....

[FishFood]

Woah Bubba. Doggie neurologist and doggie chiropractor? Think of all the extra dive gear you could afford with one well placed, swift kick.

[Lulubelle]

Not sure if it is your whine or my wine, but that was the best laugh I have had in a long time Batman.

Glad you seem to have picked up on the fact that teens don't do homework on Friday night. Good luck with that!

[Splitlip]

Originally Posted by Lulubelle

teens don't do homework on Friday night. Good luck with that!

OMG. You're right!

[BarbadosSlim93]

What excellent narration! What kind of story can you craft out of me getting my shoe stuck in the snow.

The details:

We have a foot of snow

I had two shoes on, one got stuck

I have a dog.


I did really like this story. The dogs always do have a way of coming back, no matter how hard you try to ditch em.

[gNats]

This is screenplay material! I am sure of it. Let's see, who do we get to play Splitlip? Jim Carrey? Chevy Chase? Owen Wilson?

[gNats]

PS - Your dog had a plan...

He purposely ran off so you would follow, run into the fence and then get hung up on it.

And, while you were proving you are no longer 15, your little male dog was sitting nearby snickering his ass off.

Next time, give a dog a real name and they won't find ways to torture you as revenge.

Pom Pom. If it was me, I would have led you directly to the bob-cat. Only after taunting the cat with a nay nay nay first.

[Aquatrax]

What a tale! It has everything, love, deceit, personal triumph, self realization and an awesome chase. Our hero Tim overcomes many obstacles and the ending has a funny twist. Superb!

I had my Batman moment just like that but it was a brick retaining wall. Now I stick to the Aquaman stunts

[mm_dm]

That's the best thing I've read in days....thanks for sharing, Tim!

[WV Diver]

This is hilarious. I’m laughing with you not at you Tim.

You have inspired me, here is another possible version of this story. A story that transcends all boundaries and could be told of all married with children men.

Tim, obviously buzzed beyond coherent reasoning from the activities of the previous hours of hard partying, finds himself helpless and unable to protect his teenage daughter from the Nazi regime. Watching helplessly from his quite suburban driveway as the Germans drive away having kidnapped his obviously brainwashed offspring right from under his nose, Tim begins to feel the damp darkness of night engulfing his otherwise keen senses.

But suddenly, a new and immediate concern rushes to the forefront of his already clouded and confused existence. You see Tim, once a man, young, free and in complete control of his own wild and self-satisfying lifestyle now finds himself domesticated beyond even his own recognition. Previously unaware of his own brainwashing my a force much stronger than any Nazi regime (married with children) Tim slowly begins to realize, very slowly, what has happened to him over all these many years.

But before these thoughts can come full circle, tremendous and overwhelming feelings of guilt, accountability, dread and doom begin to wash away the blackness of night and fill Tim with the sinking and sickening emotions of what lie ahead in his very near and definite future.

You see Tim realizes that he has allowed the cute, harmless and adorable family pet to wonder off into the cold, moonless night. Tim knows that out there, in the wilderness, the ever-present danger of panthers, bobcats, bears and who knows what other terrible bloodthirsty populations of ruthless, merciless killing machines lurk in the darkness ever watchful for a plump, and tasty snack.

What is this family pet you ask? Well Tim, has a small dog (a Pomeranian no less) named Pom-Pom? Poor little Pom Pom has GP, neurological and chiropractic needs and Tim has huge Pom-Pom bills to prove it.

Tim fails to realize immediately that God himself has smiled upon him (and his SCUBA bank account) and conveniently rid him of this furry little money pit.

The juices of the party begin to well up in Tim as he stands there fearful of the wrath of his wife and daughter (should he ever see her again). His mind races, millions of scenarios course through his mind of the impending doom for both him and Pom-Pom should he fail in his obvious and immediate quest to rescue the thread that holds his family together.

A quick hit from a leftover party bottle fills him with super human strength, courage and will, at least in his clouded, overly domesticated and rum soaked mind. With an adrenalin rush that would kill a team of horses Tim springs into action. His mind sharp now with the details at hand, he runs towards the one area he knows the little pooch is most likely to turn. His heightened senses, now acutely aware of his surroundings and bent on finding Pom-Pom, hear the little dog’s calls from the wild. “I’m coming boy, hang in there, daddy is coming little one.”

As Tim’s own Batman like powers are now at the apex of human endurance, he leaps to clear the one thing that stands between Pom-Pom’s life and his own demise, a 6’ fence. Without hesitation Tim summons every once of his being and explodes over the fence as if it were a child’s safety fence between the kitchen and den.

High in the air like a paratrooper Tim marvels at how small and peaceful his neighborhood looks from his new vantage point and how warm and cozy the little houses must be. Then without warning the laces of his autographed Seinfeld’s snap under the pressure as his limp, hanging body crashes to the ground at the foot of the fence. He awakens in a cold sweat, confused. “Wow, that’s going to hurt in the morning” he mumbles to himself.

“How long have I been out, it’s nearly light out now? …………I‘ll never mix radish juice and carrot juice again”. Looking up at his one of a kind, Jerry Seinfeld shoe dangling off the fence, he shields his eyes from the rising sun. “How am I going to get that thing down from there?” He touches the corner of his mouth. There's blood on his finger. "Darn a Splitlip".


Knowing he has failed, he hangs his head in a moment of silence, for he can no longer hear Pom-Pom’s hopeless cries for help. “What now? How will I explain this to my family, now my judge and jury? What am I going to say at my trial, if I even get one? By what means will I be executed?”

But alas, all doesn’t seem so lost after all. As Tim begins his March home all the things that eluded him the previous night now seem clear. Yes what a release, no more doggy doctor bills, no more early morning walks on the weekends, no more little piles to pick up as the neighbors snicker at me from afar. “What was I thinking, I have been empowered, I feel free again.” Smiling all the way home Tim thinks. “All I have to do now is play dumb, like I know nothing and soon the whole financial and humiliating experience of that little 4lb nightmare will fade away.”

A joy that could light up New York silently and secretly begins to fill Tim. He wonders if he will be able to suppress his newfound feelings of enlightenment, eventually giving him away. No matter he thinks, I’m free, free again to walk among men.

The closer Tim gets to home the more spring he has in his step. Yo, Adrian, I did it.

Walking up the driveway Tim’s heart sinks. Oh no the wife is at the door, looking, watching as he approaches. Here it is he thinks to himself, the moment of truth. He takes a deep breath and reaching for the front door he begins to form the words that will begin the freedom he has been so anxiously awaiting during his morning walk and indeed for many years now.

But then the door opens and the wife reaches out to him. “Here take the dog for a walk” The leash hanging from her fingers. “And be back in an hour or I’ll have your hide, the grass needs mowed.” Pom-Pom just sits there looking up at Tim, with the look of a small child in church with his little legs crossed. The look that says, “Take me to the restroom daddy I can’t hold it any longer.”

As he and Pom-Pom turn to walk away Tim hangs his head, a broken and miserable man once again. Then a gleam of hope, the wife in a calm and reassuring voice says, “Wait Tim. Come back” Again Tim’s mind races “she does care about me she must have seen the crippling sadness in my demeanor.

Tim turns, looks up at his wife of so many years. “Yes dear” he says in his most pathetic and boyish voice.” “ Here take this zip lock for the poop and I better not hear of you leaving anything on the neighbor’s lawn again or I’ll have your hide, got it?”