US Air Flight 1549-The Real Story

[Dive Rong]

WASHINGTON – A report issued on Monday 19 Jan 09 by the U.S. Joint Forces Command (USJFCOM) has brought to the front an alarming potential threat from the United States’ northern bordering neighbor… Canada.

USJFCOM is one of DoD’s nine combatant commands and has several key roles in transforming the U.S. military’s capabilities. Headquartered in Norfolk, Va., the command oversees a force of more than 1.16 million dedicated men and women, spanning USJFCOM's service component commands and subordinate activities. The command is comprised of active and reserve personnel from each branch of the armed forces, civil servants and contract employees.

USJFCOM and NTSB investigations into the recent crash of U.S. Air’s Flight 1549 out of New York have confirmed that the incident was not an accidental “bird strike” as originally conjectured.

Chief of Staff U.S. Joint Forces Command Air Force Major General David M. Edgington states that “All reports indicate a planned and organized strike on U.S. Air’s Flight 1549 by Canadian Geese. These “homicidal geese” have more than likely been trained in Pakistan by extremist elements within the Canada Command and are dedicated to the ultimate destruction of air domination by the United States.” Calls placed today to Canada’s Prime Minister Stephen Harper along with Canada’s Premiers and Territorial Leaders went unanswered.

Chief of the Canadian Defense Staff (CDS) General Walter Natynczyk issued a statement to both the Toronto Star and The Globe news agencies saying that “The Canada Command is the Canadian Forces organization responsible for all routine and contingency Canadian Forces operations in Canada and continental North America.” Source of quote: Home | Canada Command. The operative phrase here is CONTINENTAL NORTH AMERICA. That means us Yanks.

With U.S. Forces already engaged in two theaters of war, a third front confrontation with Canada could well over tax an already exhausted U.S. military structure. “With a population estimated in excess of 3 million, and at 2 geese per strike, homicidal Canadian Geese could easily cripple U.S. air supremacy.” said Gen. Norton A. Schwartz, Chief of Staff of the U.S. Air Force. Gen. Schwartz went on to declare that “We are years behind Canada in the “Goose Gap”. Closing this gap will require the immediate infusion of possibly up to $750 billion in “bird brain research”. We can further expect violent opposition from The Audubon Society and PETA. However, despite whatever hurdles are encountered, until this “Goose Gap” is closed “Our Goose is Cooked”!

It is rumored that Guy Giorno, Chief of Staff to Prime Minister Harper, has assured all Canadian Geese that “… any goose which martyrs itself to the cause of the Canada Command will be given 72 white swans in the next world.”

U.S. Defense Forces will be meeting on this Avian Insurgency Issue (AVI) at an an undisclosed location in The Canary Islands.

[Drewskey]

Love it!

[Diver Kat]

Too funny!!! Who knew those Canadians were so inventive!! I think we need to make a pact with England to not only eat Christmas goose, but to add in all other major holidays ... or maybe we should be sneaking goose birth control into the Canadian water supply .....

[Rockhound76]

Great. Now Homeland Security will be checking us for geese at the border.

I can imagine it now: An officious high school dropout in jackboots, armed with a Garrett and an attitude, pulls me from the line.

"Passenger 27A, prepared to be Goose Checked!"

Man, I don't care. If he puts on a rubber glove, I'm running.

[dannybot]

Canadian Bacon anyone?

Maybe we should goose step our bird brained research into high gear.

[navyhmc]

When I read the title, I was thinking "Oh Great! Another conspiracy theorist."

After reading it, I found my self laughing that it was indeed a conspiracy theory...

ETA: Does this mean that the Canuks goosed us?

[Vercingetorix]

Originally Posted by Rockhound76

"Passenger 27A, prepared to be Goose Checked!"

I believed you meant: Passenger 27A, prepared to be goosed!

[chinacat46]

Good one!

[imasinker]

Let this be a lesson, but fear not our geese, Our military is so up to date our navy consists of two birch park canoe's and a 12 foot aluminiun boat we got it together.....

[BarbadosSlim93]

Oh great, homicide geesers.

Do you think they yell "ALLAHU QUACKBAR" when they fly into the jets?

Ok I'm done being lame.