Stupid Ideas and the tape measure

[pnevai]

It is an undisputed fact that everyone does at least a few stupid things in their lives. Some people manage to eek out more, some less. I truly believe that buried deep within the crinkled mass of meat that we call a brain there is a repository of all the stupid things you will do in your life time. It is right there across from the bright idea's section. Only the females of the species seem to lack this vault of information else they have evolved a mechanism to block triggering stimuli from ever reaching that area. In rare cases they are born with some sort of disability, which explains the dumb blond phenomenon.

This archive of dumb things is accessed like a bizarre Rube Goldberg card catalog. You see certain criteria have to be met in order to access the exact stupid thing that is stored in there for you to do. Once you have done that stupid thing it gets flushed from the archive usually never again to be a menace, either, except if you also were born with a birth defect and the stupid thing gets stuck and this is the exact reason for the Darwin Awards and you die, which by the way is the qualifier required to win a Darwin Award.

It works like this for example. I am bored, and just got a big tax refund, my sex life has been off track for a while. It is spring. This set of data gets plugged into the stupid thing card catalog query ( *BORED* *TAX REFUND* *NO SEX* *SPRING* ) waiting for the last piece of information to enable the retrieval of the stupid thing. I watch TV and see a Honda Sport Bike commercial........ (MOTORCYCLE*) ...............!!!!!!BINGO!!!!!.............. 6 months later after being released from the hospital, I can safely say that particular stupid idea was flushed from the archive. Perhaps now is a good time to figure the tape measure into all of this. See a while back I had this Stanley Tape measure, it was in my honest opinion the King of all tape measures, a venerable Rolls Royce of belt hanging measuring devices. It was all shiny and chrome. Made from real cast pot metal, not like those cheap plastic imposters found nowadays in emporiums like Lowes or Home Depot that cater to the tool addicted. When I clipped that fine tape measuring instrument on my belt I felt like Bob Villa, the studly carpenter type who could throw up a house in an instant, or spit out custom made book shelves. When I looked in the mirror I saw the rough and tumble crafts man, even when I really looked more like the construction guy from the village people. Hey! Hey! Hey! Mach......But I digress....... Needless to say it was my favorite tape measure.

So when by accident while trying to measure something very important, as this tape measure was only used on a very important thing, so when by accident the tape got twisted and bent with a crease. When attempting to get the crease out I broke the blade and it retracted into the case.. ZZwwippp!. There were tears. I was devastated until I found out that being the crème de le crème of tape measures Stanley had replacement blades for sale that could replace the broken one. So being determined to restore it to it's former glory I managed to purge another stupid idea out of the repository. I took a screw driver and opened the tape measure.

Do you know how much coiled spring is required to retract a 25 foot tape measure blade into a case roughly 2 inches square? THWANG!!!!! It filled a small room. For a short while I thought that I would have to be extricated by the Jaws of Life. I'll spare you the horrifying details of what transpired next only to say that it took 4 hours and a box of band aids to get that spring coiled back into the tape measure case with a little left outside to attach the new blade to. Finally bloody hand and all I was off to the hardware store in order to purchase a replacement blade. I walk in and step up to the counter and the counter person behind, "Counter person I wish to purchase a replacement blade for a Stanley 25 foot tape measure!" The counter person replied "Did you bring the tape measure with you?" Yes I did I replied, and I handed the counter person the slightly bloodied tape measure.

He took the tape measure looked at it, pressed the blade locking button and .....Zzzwiipppp! The retracting spring sucked back into the case. He looked at the tape measure, I looked at the tape measure, He looked at me, I looked at the tape measure, we looked at each other, We both looked at the tape measure. I turned around and walk out of the hardware store to the side walk as let out a SCREAM that caused a near by woman to drop her groceries and a small dog to wet it's self. After a few deep breaths, I walked back into the store, went to the isle where they kept the nice Stanley tape measure and purchased a brand new one. I used a different counter person for the transaction.

I wish all of you here a merry Christmas and a great New Year. I wish that all of your stupid idea archives remain dormant, and you have a better next year.

Peter
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Spoiler

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I really never purged that motorcycle stupid idea!

[pnevai]

OOPS This should have ended up in the surface interval section, sorry

[WaScubaDude]

I learned to swear when I was 4years old and my dad had the bright idea to replace the spring on the chain saw pull cord.

[WV Diver]

I moved the thread for you and I feel your pain. Good luck with your new tape.

BTW, you don't own any power tools do you??

[Goober]

I framed for years until I found my niche. Your story makes my heart swell with pride. Treat your new tape as you would a sidearm.

[LI Diver]

I fortunately learned this one by witnessing a friend attempt that very feat. He then went to sears and bought a case of brand new craftsmen tapes for his crew and when one broke he simply threw it in a box and gave them a new one.When he had a few broken ones he went back to sears and got brandy new ones for free and always had tapes on hand. Smart man!

[Garrobo]

Yeah. Sears used to take anything broken and replace it with a new one, even if they didn't sell that brand. Over the years they wised up and only replaced their own stuff. Problem with Sears is that most of their stuff is crap made in China now.

[Formerly 45yroldNewbie]

I have noticed that most "Bright" ideas usually start with " Hey watch this!!" or "Hold my beer!"

[Goober]

Originally Posted by Formerly 45yroldNewbie

I have noticed that most "Bright" ideas usually start with " Hey watch this!!" or "Hold my beer!"

Hear, hear!