For all who have fought the bathing suit battle...

[Cheddarchick]

'The Bathing Suit'

When I was a child the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned,
trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered.
They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job.
Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with
a figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice - she can either go up front to the
maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away
looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia or she can
wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make a
sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of florescent rubber
bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice
and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room.

The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of
the stretch material.

The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA
to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if
you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark
attacks as any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would
immediately suffer whip lash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder
strap in place, I gasped in horror - my boobs had disappeared!
Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took
a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh
rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The
mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed
bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full
view assessment.

The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those
bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously
from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing
undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the
prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, 'Oh, there you
are,' she said, admiring the bathing suit. I replied that I wasn't so sure
and asked what else she had to show me.

I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of
masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an
oversized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frills
and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a
rough day.

I tried on a black number with a mesh midriff and looked like a
jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink suit with such a high cut leg I thought I
would have to wax my eyebrows to wear it .

Finally, I found a suit that fit... a two-piece affair with a shorts
style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and
bulge-friendly, so I bought it.

My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured. When I got
home, I found a label which read -- 'Material might become transparent in
water.'

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water
this year and I'm there too... I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a
t-shirt!

(You might be laughing out loud by this time..... Know I was)

[Foo2]

That was great! Thanks for sharing!!!

[Diver Kat]

Too funny .... I will say you're braver than I - never could make it into the dreaded fitting room ... a few years back, desperate to find something, I ordered from a Lands End catalog ... low & behold they have actual bathing suits with bra cups!! Even underwire!!! I believe they also offer your NASA brand Lycra ... and getting into it can be a workout all on it's own ... they're called 'Slender Suits' (as if! Just calling them that does NOT make you appear slender!) But at least I found something I could wear, and not scare the fish TOO much!

[sidneydiver]

That's funny! I have recently ordered a couple of suits from Lands End and I LOVE them! They're supportive and cover the bits I want covering if you know what I mean!

[Splitlip]

[FishFood]

I wish we could still nominate thread's of the month...

[gunnarman]

cut off jeans and a t-shirt are very sexy on a real woman!

[Splitlip]

Originally Posted by FishFood

I wish we could still nominate thread's of the month...

C2, made a hell of post. She has to be a professional writer.

[lemon lime]

Originally Posted by Splitlip

C2, made a hell of post. She has to be a professional writer.

If not, she should be.

Great post!

[scubarobin]

that was hysterical !!!!!!
even my husband laughed when I read it outloud to him.
I agree about the suits.... my way of solving the problem, I buy the plain, straight suit (like those made by Nike, etc) with no boob holder, and wear a nice sport bra with underwire underneath it (I have several from Champion that I really like). They do show, but look nice and my boobs are back where they belong and don't look like a speed bump!