Man Law from the other side

[Suther2136]

I know don't post here, buy rather than discuss it with the guys; years of poor listening funneled into poor responses (repeated over and over), I thought I'd just go to the source for the answer. So here it is, Your guy has just pissed you off, what is the proper response to get back in your good graces? I know this sounds contrived and insincere, but our sincere responses tend to be way off target and God knows that doesn't work worth crap. So cut us a break and give us dummies a hint.

Oh, BTW I always leave the seat down!

[YellowfinKunkfish]

That's very simple.

Be honest about it.
Apologize sincerely.
Don't ever do it again.

I personally do not want my husband to buy me things, because he's sorry. Sorry guys, but that just feels fake to me. Just apologize. (and mean it) I know my husband is sincere with his apology, when he doesn't do whatever it was he did, ever again. I want flowers and gifts for my birthday, Valentines, or just because he loves me. NOT because he screwed up.

[divechaplain-sara]

And to really get back in good graces quickly, take the time to think about why it is that whatever you did made us mad, and apologize both for the action and the effect it had. For example, you didn't call to say you would be late--which makes us feel that we aren't important to you, that you who we love dearly don't care for us, that we aren't worthy of your time, and that all the work we did to try to make dinner, etc. nice for you is unappreciated, therefore we are unappreciated, therefore we are unworthy, but wait we know we aren't unworthy, how dare you do anything that would make us doubt our self worth, now I'm mad, but wait what if he was in an accident, he could be hurt, he could be dead on the side of the road, how selfish of me to worry about myself and what I've done when he could be hurt, maybe I should start calling hospitals and see if he has been admitted, or even worse the Medical Examiner--oh there you are WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN--I'VE BEEN WORRIED SICK

You get the picture--acknowledge not just that you are sorry that you didn't call but that you also realize the turmoil that it put us through and that it did not show us the consideration that you always intend to show us and how sorry you are about that as well. Then ask us to forgive you and do you best not to ever do it again.

[Suther2136]

I see a recurring theme here (OK, 2 for 2). Never do it again! Why is that? When my wife pisses me off, I do NOT recount all the times she has done the same thing before, once it's forgotten it's gone, done, over with. But when I screw up on something I may have done before; I hear "Your not sorry, you do this all the time!" Is there really a need to drag up the past? I don't get it...

[divechaplain-sara]

Not doing it again is important because once you know that something upsets us and you do it again chances are good that it will be interpreted as you chose to do it again when you knew it was something that would upset us. Which then makes us feel that we really don't matter to you and that we are fools for all of our emotional investment in you which once again leads us down the path of doubting our own self worth and if you really cared about us you would never do anything that would cause us to feel like we are less than we really are.

Here's a recurring theme, frequently when we get mad at men it is because something that they have done has lead down a path in our minds that makes us doubt our own self-worth.

Repetition of the same grievence digs a deeper cut in our psyche.

[Liv7301]

Ok, so some of us can hold on to things for a teensy bit of time...

Perhaps we believe that someone would not want to willinging and knowingly do something that would be inconsiderate/annoying/hurtful etc etc to the other person. This is not to say that we are great at not repeating the past because we do the same things sometimes.

Think of it this way: we see it as a reflection of growth and change. If we continue to repeat the past nothing was learning from the experience before. Then we would be forever doing the same things to each other with no lessons learned or relationship progress made.

Hopefully that makes some sense and I wasn't clear as mud trying to explain it.

[dallasdivergirl]

Originally Posted by Suther2136

I see a recurring theme here (OK, 2 for 2). Never do it again! Why is that? When my wife pisses me off, I do NOT recount all the times she has done the same thing before, once it's forgotten it's gone, done, over with. But when I screw up on something I may have done before; I hear "Your not sorry, you do this all the time!" Is there really a need to drag up the past? I don't get it...

speaking for myself I have the memory of an elephant. I can remember things that makes guys tell me "I am going to be in trouble with you". it does work both ways, I will always remember all of the good things that you do. I try to forgive in hopes that I will be forgiven.

[scuba Widow]

I am with the other ladies so far...I'm sorry goes a long way with me.

[Vercingetorix]

The OP and comments appear to divide us into two classes: men and women. Is this necessary?

That is, why do (or should) we view this as one-way?: how should men make-up to women? The responses so far reflect a more universal requirement of reconciliation, regardless of a man apologizing to a woman or vice versa. Even a man apologizing to a man or a woman apologizing to a woman.

The requirements of reconciliation are the same: be sincere and try not to repeat the offense.

[aquababe66]

Originally Posted by divechaplain-sara

And to really get back in good graces quickly, take the time to think about why it is that whatever you did made us mad, and apologize both for the action and the effect it had. For example, you didn't call to say you would be late--which makes us feel that we aren't important to you, that you who we love dearly don't care for us, that we aren't worthy of your time, and that all the work we did to try to make dinner, etc. nice for you is unappreciated, therefore we are unappreciated, therefore we are unworthy, but wait we know we aren't unworthy, how dare you do anything that would make us doubt our self worth, now I'm mad, but wait what if he was in an accident, he could be hurt, he could be dead on the side of the road, how selfish of me to worry about myself and what I've done when he could be hurt, maybe I should start calling hospitals and see if he has been admitted, or even worse the Medical Examiner--oh there you are WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN--I'VE BEEN WORRIED SICK

You get the picture--acknowledge not just that you are sorry that you didn't call but that you also realize the turmoil that it put us through and that it did not show us the consideration that you always intend to show us and how sorry you are about that as well. Then ask us to forgive you and do you best not to ever do it again.

This is so true! I think divechaplain knows me personally. Normal chain of thought:
1. He must not love me as much as I thought he did - I'm unworthy
2. Then anger sets in - I'm unappreciated
3. Then worry - What if had an accident
4. Finally panic - start frantically calling anyone and everyone to see if he's ok.
5. Then he comes home only to find out that he simply didn't think it was any big deal... he's fine and everything is ok.

Simply put - Women think of everyone else first, men think of themselves first. I'm not man-bashing... it's just a fact.

One clarification... I should say MOST men. There is always an exception to every rule.