The Real Ladies Room

[Vercingetorix]

According to my wife.....
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When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you ca refully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks ev erything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing w ater and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!


//There!!!! The men have Pee In The Shower in the Man Laws forum. The women now have this.

[divingmedic]

Your just aching to win the best thread awards arent ya? And to think I thought it was because women talk so much.

[YellowfinKunkfish]

This sounds all too familiar. I try my best to never, ever, ever have to use one, but just in case I do. I always have travel size wet wipes in my purse (you never know what might be on that toilet), and my germ X is always handy too, just in case they are out of soap. Haven't gotten around to carrying spare toilet paper yet, but it's tempting.

Rhonda

[bmax]

So true!!

[dallasdivergirl]

you guys must go to some really bad bathrooms.

I can hold it to avoid bathrooms like that.

[Charlotte Smith]

Did you know that they make a "mini" roll of t-paper for hunters which makes a great travel item for women and those disgusting rest-rooms?

[caroln]

That's what friends are for (yuck this is now playing in my head). Especially in a bar, I can't count how many rolls of tp we've tossed back and forth over the stalls, how many times one held the door for the other, etc. Peeing is a team sport in a public bathroom.

[TX SCUBA FAMILY]

Vercingetorix your description was so true except for one thing. I know in the man world's of potty ettiquette you don't talk to the person in the next stall nor do you put any body parts near the other stall. However in our world we are not beyond seeking assistance. There is a universal understanding that if a hand comes under the stall they need toilet paper. Especially when it is preceeded with the familar sound of the TP roll spinning emptily and hearing the explictive that follows. I know you still have to deal with the germ issue but at least it is only one person and hopefully you avoid falling on the potty.

[Disneymom]

Oh, that is so true...

[scuba Widow]

That was some of the truest gossip coming from a man that I have heard in a long time.